March 12, 2010
Its 2010!You know I dont know why I ever stopped writing. Maybe its because I dont have as many "issues" anyway. I dont have to write about how much I wanted Andy- cause he is mine and I can just look into his eyes and tell him myself.
The whole point of writing today was because I had a moment today. I read Andy's old journal from A______(her... yes her) It didnt ame me angry or sad.
But I actually began to wonder about her. Who is she really? I feel bad for her. I do believe from some emails she had sent Andy- she was or is jealous of the life that we have made for ourselves.
I wonder what she is doing now- has she found true happiness? Has she ever really connected with Jesus? I want that for her. But in my heart I know she hasnt.
Its funny how sometimes I find myself 'intrigued' by her- by the woman who had captivated Andy. The woman who saw me as the enemy. Really I am intrigued.
Its unfortunate though. There are so many women out there like her. Women who blindfold everyone around them but never showing who they really are.
Well....
I suppose I should update my journal on where we are in life. We moved Feb. 1st to Bentonville Arkansas. Andy was promoted to Manager- the reason we relocated and I gave up dancing. It has been an interesting transition. I miss it though. The boys are wonderful. Liam turned 1- we went to Florida to suprise my mom. It rocked!
I think I shoudl find a job- but I'm pretty sure it wouldnt be cost efffective.
I am 40 lbs overweight. and struggling to lose it. I want to be Andy's trophy wife. Not because its what he wants. (He already sees me as his prize) But I want it for myself. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel good about myself and feel good in what I wear. I want to feel confident. Its a slow process. Andy believes in me. Now I need to believe in myself.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
OH SNAP 2009!
January 10
New Year Crazy! Today I wondered what would happen to my boys if I died. ALL my boys- yes you too Andy I was thinking of you- I know sad. Who wants to wants to think that way.. but I did. I though about what would happen if I died giving birth- I really hope not but I guess I just want them to know how much I love them.
I wanted to be remembered as a person who loved Jesus, loved her family, that I am/was a good mother and wife. Anyway I dont know why I have been having those thoughts lately.
July 3rd
It has been SOOOOOO long since I have written. Liam Andrew was born Feb. 5th He is going to be 5 months old! So amazing. He is my sweet and precious joy. I love my boys so much, even though Isaac is making me absolutely crazy today. I think maybe my mind is cluttered. Not really- here thinking about dance. Oh man, I miss Andy right now. He is at work I love him so. He has to work tomoorw I know he is sad because of it. Its my birthday and he just wants to make me happy. He doesnt realize how much he already has. He threw me a suprise birthday party on the 1st- but I kinda messed that up because I found out. oops. But it was still wonderful! We are going on the 7th to Floridato see my family- SO EXCITED. It will be good to have a break- so extremely refreshing for Andy- he needs this and that makes me even more excited for our trip.
I must tend to the babies now. Isaac is running around naked and Liam is laughing at him...
New Year Crazy! Today I wondered what would happen to my boys if I died. ALL my boys- yes you too Andy I was thinking of you- I know sad. Who wants to wants to think that way.. but I did. I though about what would happen if I died giving birth- I really hope not but I guess I just want them to know how much I love them.
I wanted to be remembered as a person who loved Jesus, loved her family, that I am/was a good mother and wife. Anyway I dont know why I have been having those thoughts lately.
July 3rd
It has been SOOOOOO long since I have written. Liam Andrew was born Feb. 5th He is going to be 5 months old! So amazing. He is my sweet and precious joy. I love my boys so much, even though Isaac is making me absolutely crazy today. I think maybe my mind is cluttered. Not really- here thinking about dance. Oh man, I miss Andy right now. He is at work I love him so. He has to work tomoorw I know he is sad because of it. Its my birthday and he just wants to make me happy. He doesnt realize how much he already has. He threw me a suprise birthday party on the 1st- but I kinda messed that up because I found out. oops. But it was still wonderful! We are going on the 7th to Floridato see my family- SO EXCITED. It will be good to have a break- so extremely refreshing for Andy- he needs this and that makes me even more excited for our trip.
I must tend to the babies now. Isaac is running around naked and Liam is laughing at him...
Nov. 23rd and 25th 2008
Nov. 23
I need to start writing again. Its been a few weeks. I am listening to Isaac sing himself to sleep. Its kind of funny. Andy is going to Altar tonight. Sometimes I think he forgets the responsiblity we have as parents. I would love to be able to go to Altar too but Isaac does need to have a consistent bed time. I remember being so upset at Josh and Sam when they kept the girls up and out late. As a parent now, I realize how easy it is to want to stay out but that is so selfish and unfair to our children. Right? I just want to be a good parent, a good mom.
OH! Its a boy!! We are having another baby boy. I thought I'd be unhappy (but who am I kidding) I am so excited. The hard part now is finding a name- we have time. But its hard. I knew Isaac's name immediately. We now God will show us the name for our new boy. I really like having Biblical names. But we'll see. Right now I have the name David in my head. Also James. I dont know.
I have to work early tomorrow. Lame. I shouldnt complain. I have become someone I didnt want to be. Lazy! And now I am not sure how to get back I dont think I can do it myself. I need help.
Nov. 25.
1 MONTH OF MARRIAGE!!!
I love Andy so much. Today, well this morning I felt sooo sad. A saddness I havent felt in almost 2 years. I was sitting on the couch and I felt like I did "back then"... sitting and pining and missing Andy so much. Wishing and wanting desperately for him to come back. Today, 2 years later-obviously is so much different. Missing him and knowing that he will be home with me tonight. Its a bummer thought. I'm working all night with no break to see my boys. =(
-Isaiah James?
Elijah?
Lucas James?
I need to start writing again. Its been a few weeks. I am listening to Isaac sing himself to sleep. Its kind of funny. Andy is going to Altar tonight. Sometimes I think he forgets the responsiblity we have as parents. I would love to be able to go to Altar too but Isaac does need to have a consistent bed time. I remember being so upset at Josh and Sam when they kept the girls up and out late. As a parent now, I realize how easy it is to want to stay out but that is so selfish and unfair to our children. Right? I just want to be a good parent, a good mom.
OH! Its a boy!! We are having another baby boy. I thought I'd be unhappy (but who am I kidding) I am so excited. The hard part now is finding a name- we have time. But its hard. I knew Isaac's name immediately. We now God will show us the name for our new boy. I really like having Biblical names. But we'll see. Right now I have the name David in my head. Also James. I dont know.
I have to work early tomorrow. Lame. I shouldnt complain. I have become someone I didnt want to be. Lazy! And now I am not sure how to get back I dont think I can do it myself. I need help.
Nov. 25.
1 MONTH OF MARRIAGE!!!
I love Andy so much. Today, well this morning I felt sooo sad. A saddness I havent felt in almost 2 years. I was sitting on the couch and I felt like I did "back then"... sitting and pining and missing Andy so much. Wishing and wanting desperately for him to come back. Today, 2 years later-obviously is so much different. Missing him and knowing that he will be home with me tonight. Its a bummer thought. I'm working all night with no break to see my boys. =(
-Isaiah James?
Elijah?
Lucas James?
November 1st and 8th
Nov. 1
Andy and I have been married for a week! CRAZY! Election is coming up on the 4th It has us a bit concerned- I feel that Obama will win. And it may be the begining of end times. I'm not ready. I dont want my children to see such hardships.Things are already hard. I need to get another job. I hope I could find one from home but I know God will provide, He will not let his children suffer. I do know that as times get tougher a strain will be put even more on our marriage Andy and I must do our best, trust God and we will make it through.
Nov. 8 2 weeks of Marriage WHOO!
Andy and I are doing a Bible study together. Its been good. God has definately wanted me to read Daniel. Daniel was a prophet and he had many dreams and visions- which comes back to me I have lots of dreams.
On Nov. 3rd or 4th I drempt about walking through a big old house. There was a presense (many actually) in the house. They were unseen by the naked eye- some people were aware of the demons, others werent. After a time, only I could see them only through a mirror.
It was a strange dream but my thought was the Old House is America- you can take it from there.....
My dream last night was about a large dam. It broke and there was a big flood. Some famous and rich people were involved and many people I didnt know.
So many dreams. I have them all the time but I could just have an over active imagination....
__________________________________________________________________________
Andy and I have been married for a week! CRAZY! Election is coming up on the 4th It has us a bit concerned- I feel that Obama will win. And it may be the begining of end times. I'm not ready. I dont want my children to see such hardships.Things are already hard. I need to get another job. I hope I could find one from home but I know God will provide, He will not let his children suffer. I do know that as times get tougher a strain will be put even more on our marriage Andy and I must do our best, trust God and we will make it through.
Nov. 8 2 weeks of Marriage WHOO!
Andy and I are doing a Bible study together. Its been good. God has definately wanted me to read Daniel. Daniel was a prophet and he had many dreams and visions- which comes back to me I have lots of dreams.
On Nov. 3rd or 4th I drempt about walking through a big old house. There was a presense (many actually) in the house. They were unseen by the naked eye- some people were aware of the demons, others werent. After a time, only I could see them only through a mirror.
It was a strange dream but my thought was the Old House is America- you can take it from there.....
My dream last night was about a large dam. It broke and there was a big flood. Some famous and rich people were involved and many people I didnt know.
So many dreams. I have them all the time but I could just have an over active imagination....
__________________________________________________________________________
September 2008
9-3
Its been a long day today, I feel like my patience was tested and I failed miserably. By the time I got home this evening my heart was so heavy. I have treated Isaac horribly. I yelled. I screamed. I was so angry and frustrated, I cried. And he cried because I was angry. I was angry because he wouldnt stop crying. I had forgotten the innocense of my child. I know I was wrong. I can admit that. I can only pray that GOd will give me the strength, wisdom, courage, and patience that it takes to be a mom. I have made it so far, but I know it gets harder. It seems one child now is hard- 2 will be even harder. Whats crazy is Andy wants more.
9-20
Today is the last day (I hope) of being sick. Monday (15th) I woke up at 2:00am throwing up and with diahrea. We went to the ER it helped me get through Monday and that was it. The rest of the week I stayed home either on the couch or next to the toilet. But the one thing that brought me some relaxation and comfort was showertime. It gave me time to just think. It was by Wednesday that it became God time. I spent alot of time talking and listening. I asked and questioned my faith. I feel like my faith isnt strong enough- My lack of faith in my faith makes me stumble It is why He doesnt or is unable to move in me the way he could. I, myself, am stopping him. I need to not do that.
Tonight I just thought about the week, And how much Andy loves me. Thursday night I got sick, he stood next to me and held back my hair, rubbed my back and just held me. I love him so much. He is home now- Time to spend time with my love.
Its been a long day today, I feel like my patience was tested and I failed miserably. By the time I got home this evening my heart was so heavy. I have treated Isaac horribly. I yelled. I screamed. I was so angry and frustrated, I cried. And he cried because I was angry. I was angry because he wouldnt stop crying. I had forgotten the innocense of my child. I know I was wrong. I can admit that. I can only pray that GOd will give me the strength, wisdom, courage, and patience that it takes to be a mom. I have made it so far, but I know it gets harder. It seems one child now is hard- 2 will be even harder. Whats crazy is Andy wants more.
9-20
Today is the last day (I hope) of being sick. Monday (15th) I woke up at 2:00am throwing up and with diahrea. We went to the ER it helped me get through Monday and that was it. The rest of the week I stayed home either on the couch or next to the toilet. But the one thing that brought me some relaxation and comfort was showertime. It gave me time to just think. It was by Wednesday that it became God time. I spent alot of time talking and listening. I asked and questioned my faith. I feel like my faith isnt strong enough- My lack of faith in my faith makes me stumble It is why He doesnt or is unable to move in me the way he could. I, myself, am stopping him. I need to not do that.
Tonight I just thought about the week, And how much Andy loves me. Thursday night I got sick, he stood next to me and held back my hair, rubbed my back and just held me. I love him so much. He is home now- Time to spend time with my love.
Monday, December 13, 2010
August 2008
8-16th
We've moved to Bartlesville, OK. And have been here for 2 weeks 2 days. Its been crazy. Andy and I are bother working again and planning the wedding.
I finally found my dress I want but cant afford it right now. It sucks. So hard to imagine how we are going to pull this wedding off. Its frustrating but we will make it. God provides for his people.
Aug. 22
Isaac is so precious to me. I cant be angry. Not at Kristy and Barry. They are trying to run a business. I am a big part of it. They cut my hours but its for a good reason. I'm pregnant. They are considering my safety and health
Aug 26
This weekend was such a whirlwind. very emotional. I know God will provide for our needs. last night we were invited over to Vic and Ellie's they are starting a church plant and really want Andy and I to be involved. Its very exciting. I 've known there was a bigger purpose for us coming to Bartlesville. This maybe it. After Sunday service at Life and meeting with the Mitchells I feel so pumped and refueled- ready to go. I need to build my spirit my knowledge my everying I am expected to be a leader a mentor a friend to the people of Bartlesville. I need to be ready. I am part of the new generation. I must be ready.
We've moved to Bartlesville, OK. And have been here for 2 weeks 2 days. Its been crazy. Andy and I are bother working again and planning the wedding.
I finally found my dress I want but cant afford it right now. It sucks. So hard to imagine how we are going to pull this wedding off. Its frustrating but we will make it. God provides for his people.
Aug. 22
Isaac is so precious to me. I cant be angry. Not at Kristy and Barry. They are trying to run a business. I am a big part of it. They cut my hours but its for a good reason. I'm pregnant. They are considering my safety and health
Aug 26
This weekend was such a whirlwind. very emotional. I know God will provide for our needs. last night we were invited over to Vic and Ellie's they are starting a church plant and really want Andy and I to be involved. Its very exciting. I 've known there was a bigger purpose for us coming to Bartlesville. This maybe it. After Sunday service at Life and meeting with the Mitchells I feel so pumped and refueled- ready to go. I need to build my spirit my knowledge my everying I am expected to be a leader a mentor a friend to the people of Bartlesville. I need to be ready. I am part of the new generation. I must be ready.
July 10 and 16th 2008
7-10-08
It may very well be possible that I am losing my mind. I swear I'm hearing music and I keep thinking its the radio. Maybe so many things seem wrong and I am trying to ignore them.
Mom and Mike hate the thought of us moving. Andy and Mike got into it last night. Its not good. If we could Andy would have had us leave last night. I just we could take the time to talk.
7-16-2008
I dont know whats wrong with me. Actually I think I do. My hormones are changing so much. I am not sleeping well. Having bizzare dreams non of them make any sense totally irrelevant to whats going on in life.
I feel I am in a void. Lately I have these random questions for Andy about his and A___'s relationship. I dont know why- well maybe because I want to know why. (Why he considered persuing her when I was pregnant) Its over and done with and I dont need to know- I shouldnt know.
Void. I am in a void. God what is wrong with my heart. I feel like I am simply existing not living. I hear Andy tell me how much he loves me but I'm not feeling anything. Its not Andy. Its me. Its my heart. I know I love him. I know he is my love. I just cant feel anything. I hate this. Why now. is it because of all the stress of moving? everything thats going on?
Its probably God. You telling me to look at you again.Stop focus on Andy, moving, my parents, my job, the baby and Isaac. I just need to come back to You, get to living and feeling love in my heart.
It may very well be possible that I am losing my mind. I swear I'm hearing music and I keep thinking its the radio. Maybe so many things seem wrong and I am trying to ignore them.
Mom and Mike hate the thought of us moving. Andy and Mike got into it last night. Its not good. If we could Andy would have had us leave last night. I just we could take the time to talk.
7-16-2008
I dont know whats wrong with me. Actually I think I do. My hormones are changing so much. I am not sleeping well. Having bizzare dreams non of them make any sense totally irrelevant to whats going on in life.
I feel I am in a void. Lately I have these random questions for Andy about his and A___'s relationship. I dont know why- well maybe because I want to know why. (Why he considered persuing her when I was pregnant) Its over and done with and I dont need to know- I shouldnt know.
Void. I am in a void. God what is wrong with my heart. I feel like I am simply existing not living. I hear Andy tell me how much he loves me but I'm not feeling anything. Its not Andy. Its me. Its my heart. I know I love him. I know he is my love. I just cant feel anything. I hate this. Why now. is it because of all the stress of moving? everything thats going on?
Its probably God. You telling me to look at you again.Stop focus on Andy, moving, my parents, my job, the baby and Isaac. I just need to come back to You, get to living and feeling love in my heart.
July 7th and 8th
7-7-08
I'm bad and read Andy's journal- but I know he read's mine too- so we're even. He refered to my being pregnant a miracle. I hadnt thought of it that way. He's right though. This baby is a miracle. an unexpected but a miracle.
Brenda is so silly. We spoke breifly last night. She asked me "Doesnt it feel good when what you've known in your heart for years comes true?"
It does. Andy loves me. We are going to get married. I'm so happy.
7-8-08
Today I get my IUD taken out. Andy has so many questions for the doctors. He should and I'm glad he does. I havent fully thoght about it yet I guess I wont really believe I'm pregnant until the ultra sound and the heart bleat or the bump is visible. There is so much to think about. moving. the dance studio. the baby.
I'm bad and read Andy's journal- but I know he read's mine too- so we're even. He refered to my being pregnant a miracle. I hadnt thought of it that way. He's right though. This baby is a miracle. an unexpected but a miracle.
Brenda is so silly. We spoke breifly last night. She asked me "Doesnt it feel good when what you've known in your heart for years comes true?"
It does. Andy loves me. We are going to get married. I'm so happy.
7-8-08
Today I get my IUD taken out. Andy has so many questions for the doctors. He should and I'm glad he does. I havent fully thoght about it yet I guess I wont really believe I'm pregnant until the ultra sound and the heart bleat or the bump is visible. There is so much to think about. moving. the dance studio. the baby.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
July 6 2008
Sometimes I wonder why Andy loves me as much as he does. He is crazy! Crazy in love with me. I am so blessed... to start life with him.
We're offically engaged. He asked me on top of the world. Because someday we will actually be on top! This is one day I will never forget!
We're offically engaged. He asked me on top of the world. Because someday we will actually be on top! This is one day I will never forget!
The Ring ^^^^
The Place >>>>>>>>>>>>
July 3rd 2008- Suprise!
Its been a crazy week. The past week and a half Andy and I had a feeling- Wednesday night it was offically confirmed. I'm pregnant again. Its been scary. I have my IUD in. I'm that one person in however many thousands that gets pregnant. The nurses were extremely concerned yesterday- a possible out come of this stituation is that I may not be able to have anymore children
But Andy has been so wonderful throught it all. So supportive. So loving. He's so excited. to be a dad again. Dont know how we are going to manage but it will be done.
My birthday is tomorrow... 21. I'm so old! haha I suspect Andy is planning something just crazy! I have my ideas..... but we'll see.
But Andy has been so wonderful throught it all. So supportive. So loving. He's so excited. to be a dad again. Dont know how we are going to manage but it will be done.
My birthday is tomorrow... 21. I'm so old! haha I suspect Andy is planning something just crazy! I have my ideas..... but we'll see.
June 2008
6-2-2008
Its Monday. I had a good weekend. Friday night Andy took me to the Ballet. It was wonderful. Andy actually liked it.
Saturday we went out to Flagler Beach- got burned. Spent some time with Grandma and watched the shuttle launch.
6-18-2008 8:25am
Its been a fre weeks since I've written. I'm sitting on the couch watching Isaac. He is being so goofy. The past few weeks have been trying. Somehow we have gone over budget paid $70 extra for rent Both went in the negative But we shall prevail. Kristy is offering me a job teaching at the Bartlesville Studio again. They have opened up a new studio in Kansas.
I would love to go back, but the expenses of the move worry me. Right now, I know I have a stinky diaper to change and a bath to administer.
6-20-2008 8:13am
Isaac is ripping apart newpaper and having a good ol' time. I'm really glad its Friday. my heart is swelling with joy. I had a rough morning. I was upset because the pancakes didnt turn out right. Andy reminded me how silly it was to be upset because we had already eaten the pancakes and they tasted fine. Andy and Isaac give me such joy. Just the thought of them makes me feel that way. joyful.
___________________________________
Note... Its a fact I still get upset when my pancakes (or any other meal for that matter) doesnt turn out right... I'm just not as dramatic about it.
Its Monday. I had a good weekend. Friday night Andy took me to the Ballet. It was wonderful. Andy actually liked it.
Saturday we went out to Flagler Beach- got burned. Spent some time with Grandma and watched the shuttle launch.
6-18-2008 8:25am
Its been a fre weeks since I've written. I'm sitting on the couch watching Isaac. He is being so goofy. The past few weeks have been trying. Somehow we have gone over budget paid $70 extra for rent Both went in the negative But we shall prevail. Kristy is offering me a job teaching at the Bartlesville Studio again. They have opened up a new studio in Kansas.
I would love to go back, but the expenses of the move worry me. Right now, I know I have a stinky diaper to change and a bath to administer.
6-20-2008 8:13am
Isaac is ripping apart newpaper and having a good ol' time. I'm really glad its Friday. my heart is swelling with joy. I had a rough morning. I was upset because the pancakes didnt turn out right. Andy reminded me how silly it was to be upset because we had already eaten the pancakes and they tasted fine. Andy and Isaac give me such joy. Just the thought of them makes me feel that way. joyful.
___________________________________
Note... Its a fact I still get upset when my pancakes (or any other meal for that matter) doesnt turn out right... I'm just not as dramatic about it.
May 25 2008
8:48pm
Today was such an awesoem day.I got to see Chelsea for a few hours. We joined her for church at Northland in Longwood. It was pretty much amazing then we went to the Korea House. Chel got to tell me stories about her mom's trip to Isreal. In Amsterdam her mom layed hands on a man and he was brought back to life after being dead for 20 minutes. Then while in Jeruselem She went to the Upper Room where Jesus and His disciples broke bread. She was praying and her spirit was transported into Heaven. She saw the throne and all the Fruits of the Spirit were poured into her chest. A woman with them was taking pictures when they looked back at the pictures they saw orbs near her chest getting smaller as if going into her. AMAZING
I wish to have faith like that. To believe like she does. Unafraid. deep. unbreakable. untouchable.
I know Chelsea's heart is so similar to her mother's
I was so glad to have seen Chel. She was one of my closest friends while in Oklahoma and still is I pray I keep her close for a very long time.
Chel was telling me how the Lord wanted her to give up dance. COMPLETELY. And I wondered if God has that same thought in mind for me. I miss dancing but I feel like my gift is gone.
... I'm going to go eat some ice cream. YUMMY!
Today was such an awesoem day.I got to see Chelsea for a few hours. We joined her for church at Northland in Longwood. It was pretty much amazing then we went to the Korea House. Chel got to tell me stories about her mom's trip to Isreal. In Amsterdam her mom layed hands on a man and he was brought back to life after being dead for 20 minutes. Then while in Jeruselem She went to the Upper Room where Jesus and His disciples broke bread. She was praying and her spirit was transported into Heaven. She saw the throne and all the Fruits of the Spirit were poured into her chest. A woman with them was taking pictures when they looked back at the pictures they saw orbs near her chest getting smaller as if going into her. AMAZING
I wish to have faith like that. To believe like she does. Unafraid. deep. unbreakable. untouchable.
I know Chelsea's heart is so similar to her mother's
I was so glad to have seen Chel. She was one of my closest friends while in Oklahoma and still is I pray I keep her close for a very long time.
Chel was telling me how the Lord wanted her to give up dance. COMPLETELY. And I wondered if God has that same thought in mind for me. I miss dancing but I feel like my gift is gone.
... I'm going to go eat some ice cream. YUMMY!
May 19th
We have to get up for BootCamp tomorrow at 5:20am I'm not looking forward to it. Thats all.... I lied. I'll write more.
Last week Andy made me start reading one of His books. Its called The Last Disciple. It was really good I want to keep reading but I dont know what. Andy wants me to read my Bible but I'm really struggling with that.
My thoughts seem voided. I have nothing deep or profound to say. and quite frankly that bothers me. I enjoy those "aaa ha" moments. Where everything comes into clarity. Maybe I do need to emerse myself into the word Then what thoughts I have hidden in the depths of my mind will emerge.
But we'll see thoguth I need to actually open the Book and see whats inside.
I'm so proud of Andy. He is beginning to write. This is a good step. I hope soon he can let go of Pittsburgh and a past that haunts him. I wish it wouldnt. God help me help him.
Last week Andy made me start reading one of His books. Its called The Last Disciple. It was really good I want to keep reading but I dont know what. Andy wants me to read my Bible but I'm really struggling with that.
My thoughts seem voided. I have nothing deep or profound to say. and quite frankly that bothers me. I enjoy those "aaa ha" moments. Where everything comes into clarity. Maybe I do need to emerse myself into the word Then what thoughts I have hidden in the depths of my mind will emerge.
But we'll see thoguth I need to actually open the Book and see whats inside.
I'm so proud of Andy. He is beginning to write. This is a good step. I hope soon he can let go of Pittsburgh and a past that haunts him. I wish it wouldnt. God help me help him.
May 17th
I've been blessed with love from Andy. From my Isaac. This morning I just watched Isaac. He is so beautiful. Every moment today has been a gift. Everday is a gift.
Isaac has crawled off somewhere... the chase is on...
11:20pm
My heart is heavy I feel lost. sad. lonely. my chest is compressed. God what are you telling me. should i be praying for someone?
Isaac has crawled off somewhere... the chase is on...
11:20pm
My heart is heavy I feel lost. sad. lonely. my chest is compressed. God what are you telling me. should i be praying for someone?
May 14, 15 2008
5-14- 2008
No words could express how Andy makes me feel. Sometimes just the mere thought of him makes my heart flutter. And there are times like last night. We went at it. Because I have an opportunity to move up at work. But I dont want to, I'm not ready. or I'm just scared. Andy knows I can do it. I was lectured about how great I am and how he believes in me. But dont know why or how we could argue about that. What I do know is how he loves me so much. I am so blessed.
Andy, I know you will ready this someday. Thank you for loving me, believing in me and being apart of my life. I really do love you more than words could ever express.
5-15-2008
Thank You. You bless me so. Andy is a thinker. Sometimes his thoughts overwhelm me. However they are powerful. God he is such a man of you. Constantly seeking after you and encouraging me to do the same. I want to find a good journal. He needs to write his story. How you walk with him. How your love is so redeeming. His story could change a world but I know that the story isnt over yet.
No words could express how Andy makes me feel. Sometimes just the mere thought of him makes my heart flutter. And there are times like last night. We went at it. Because I have an opportunity to move up at work. But I dont want to, I'm not ready. or I'm just scared. Andy knows I can do it. I was lectured about how great I am and how he believes in me. But dont know why or how we could argue about that. What I do know is how he loves me so much. I am so blessed.
Andy, I know you will ready this someday. Thank you for loving me, believing in me and being apart of my life. I really do love you more than words could ever express.
5-15-2008
Thank You. You bless me so. Andy is a thinker. Sometimes his thoughts overwhelm me. However they are powerful. God he is such a man of you. Constantly seeking after you and encouraging me to do the same. I want to find a good journal. He needs to write his story. How you walk with him. How your love is so redeeming. His story could change a world but I know that the story isnt over yet.
Friday, December 10, 2010
May 10th & 13th 2008
5-10-2008 Mothers Day
Its been an amazing mothers day. Isaac got me the sweetest card and pretty orchids. they are purple and very lovely.
5-13-2008
I gues i never said that Isaac had given me an early Mother's day gift- He took his first steps. That was on 5-9-2008 it was pretty awesome!
I have alot of things I need to work on. One of them is nagging. I nag Andy a lot. I dont know sometimes he embarrasses me or makes me nervous. But dont get me wrong. when I say he embarrasses me. I'm not ashamed of him. He like attention. So sometimes he likes to show off in public. I'm not into that. Its not the way I want to shine.
But I guess these days in order for people to see a glimpse of your Light, you have to do something a little bit off the wall to grab focus off their "busy" lives and onto someone moving for God
Its been an amazing mothers day. Isaac got me the sweetest card and pretty orchids. they are purple and very lovely.
5-13-2008
I gues i never said that Isaac had given me an early Mother's day gift- He took his first steps. That was on 5-9-2008 it was pretty awesome!
I have alot of things I need to work on. One of them is nagging. I nag Andy a lot. I dont know sometimes he embarrasses me or makes me nervous. But dont get me wrong. when I say he embarrasses me. I'm not ashamed of him. He like attention. So sometimes he likes to show off in public. I'm not into that. Its not the way I want to shine.
But I guess these days in order for people to see a glimpse of your Light, you have to do something a little bit off the wall to grab focus off their "busy" lives and onto someone moving for God
April 2008
4-4-2008
I can feel it, those days when Satan tries to break in and spread seeds of doubt into my heart. I must be stronger. No. I AM Sronger.
Last night I just stared deeply into Andy's eyes. I knew, just like I've always known that I love him. Very much. He has my heart.
I am laying on the bed noticing the wall paper is peeling and above it there may be some mold. gross.
I cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move.
Isaac is sick.. i dont like when my baby has the sniffles.
4-8-2008
Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I have roof over my head. food. a loving boyfriend. a beautiful son. A loving God. I am so blessed
Andy and I know we are going to get married. I mentioned it to my dad last night. He asked me what we are waiting for. It made me wonder if my wanting to wait til Oct. '09 is the wrong choice.
But I want our families there. My family. Andy's family. I just dont know Lord, give me the wisdom I seek, please?
4-18-2008
I began thinking about Dan. I miss him and I hardly knew him. I wish I could have had just a little longer. But maybe that would have hurt a little more. He is greatly missed.
I was reading through my entries. On Jan 21 I said Dan would be my miracle for 2008. It wasnt the miracle I wanted. But He was a mirable none the less. He changed lives. He changed a city. And for that my world, this world has been forever changed
I can feel it, those days when Satan tries to break in and spread seeds of doubt into my heart. I must be stronger. No. I AM Sronger.
Last night I just stared deeply into Andy's eyes. I knew, just like I've always known that I love him. Very much. He has my heart.
I am laying on the bed noticing the wall paper is peeling and above it there may be some mold. gross.
I cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move.
Isaac is sick.. i dont like when my baby has the sniffles.
4-8-2008
Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I have roof over my head. food. a loving boyfriend. a beautiful son. A loving God. I am so blessed
Andy and I know we are going to get married. I mentioned it to my dad last night. He asked me what we are waiting for. It made me wonder if my wanting to wait til Oct. '09 is the wrong choice.
But I want our families there. My family. Andy's family. I just dont know Lord, give me the wisdom I seek, please?
4-18-2008
I began thinking about Dan. I miss him and I hardly knew him. I wish I could have had just a little longer. But maybe that would have hurt a little more. He is greatly missed.
I was reading through my entries. On Jan 21 I said Dan would be my miracle for 2008. It wasnt the miracle I wanted. But He was a mirable none the less. He changed lives. He changed a city. And for that my world, this world has been forever changed
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
March 22 2008
We took Isaac on his first boat ride. With His Mimi and PawPa and Uncle Chris. It was sooo fun We even got Isaac his own life jacket. We rode all through the channels that connect the lakes.
Feb. 19th 2008
1:49pm
God where is the line drawn? I feel so selfish. I ask too much of you. I know I must remain faithful. My heart hurts so badly. I dont know what to do. Andy is on a run. He's running again. He's scared. We both are. Together we total a debt of $50,000 and now we dont have enough to pay rent in 10 days. or get Andy's car out of the shop. I'm not sure if we can even afford grocerier. I know that Isaac is and will be taken care of. GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I know I wont get paid on my next check. We were gone for 3 weeks. Lord what do we do. I am so tired Father. Do you have it in front of me. Am I too blind to see? Help me, help us open our eyes. Something. Anything. Am I alright to ask?
________________________________________________________________________
Note: Though the absolute grace of God. in less than 3 years we have been able to to cut our debt in half. We look forward to the day we are debt free!
God where is the line drawn? I feel so selfish. I ask too much of you. I know I must remain faithful. My heart hurts so badly. I dont know what to do. Andy is on a run. He's running again. He's scared. We both are. Together we total a debt of $50,000 and now we dont have enough to pay rent in 10 days. or get Andy's car out of the shop. I'm not sure if we can even afford grocerier. I know that Isaac is and will be taken care of. GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I know I wont get paid on my next check. We were gone for 3 weeks. Lord what do we do. I am so tired Father. Do you have it in front of me. Am I too blind to see? Help me, help us open our eyes. Something. Anything. Am I alright to ask?
________________________________________________________________________
Note: Though the absolute grace of God. in less than 3 years we have been able to to cut our debt in half. We look forward to the day we are debt free!
Monday, December 6, 2010
February 11, 2008
1:42am
Its been a few weeks since I'v last written so much has happened.
January 27 we received a message from Brenda (Andy's mom) Dan was asking all of his children to come home. Including Isaac and myself. He said he didnt have much time.
January 28 we flew into Bismarck, our luggage was misplaced so we didnt get to see Dan until the next morning. He looked so fragile. But he was in good spirits. By the 30th we were able to take him home. And then a few days later he wasnt doing so good.
On February 3rd 2008 Daniel Edward Holm went home to Jesus. He was laid to rest on the 6th.
Its been a long 2 weeks. We miss Dan so very much. We've been without him for a week.
I know it hasnt fully settled in yet, for anyone really. Brenda is hurting so bad.
I dont know what I would do if I ever lost Andy.
Then on Friday the 8th... Isaac crawled. We are so proud of him and he got his first tooth.
Dan and Isaac. :)
We Love you Dad.
Its been a few weeks since I'v last written so much has happened.
January 27 we received a message from Brenda (Andy's mom) Dan was asking all of his children to come home. Including Isaac and myself. He said he didnt have much time.
January 28 we flew into Bismarck, our luggage was misplaced so we didnt get to see Dan until the next morning. He looked so fragile. But he was in good spirits. By the 30th we were able to take him home. And then a few days later he wasnt doing so good.
On February 3rd 2008 Daniel Edward Holm went home to Jesus. He was laid to rest on the 6th.
Its been a long 2 weeks. We miss Dan so very much. We've been without him for a week.
I know it hasnt fully settled in yet, for anyone really. Brenda is hurting so bad.
I dont know what I would do if I ever lost Andy.
Then on Friday the 8th... Isaac crawled. We are so proud of him and he got his first tooth.
Dan and Isaac. :)
We Love you Dad.
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