Saturday, April 9, 2011


March 12, 2010
Its 2010!You know I dont know why I ever stopped writing. Maybe its because I dont have as many "issues" anyway. I dont have to write about how much I wanted Andy- cause he is mine and I can just look into his eyes and tell him myself.

The whole point of writing today was because I had a moment today. I read Andy's old journal from A______(her... yes her) It didnt ame me angry or sad.
But I actually began to wonder about her. Who is she really? I feel bad for her. I do believe from some emails she had sent Andy- she was or is jealous of the life that we have made for ourselves.
I wonder what she is doing now- has she found true happiness? Has she ever really connected with Jesus? I want that for her. But in my heart I know she hasnt.

Its funny how sometimes I find myself 'intrigued' by her- by the woman who had captivated Andy. The woman who saw me as the enemy. Really I am intrigued.

Its unfortunate though. There are so many women out there like her. Women who blindfold everyone around them but never showing who they really are.

I suppose I should update my journal on where we are in life. We moved Feb. 1st to Bentonville Arkansas. Andy was promoted to Manager- the reason we relocated and I gave up dancing. It has been an interesting transition. I miss it though. The boys are wonderful. Liam turned 1- we went to Florida to suprise my mom. It rocked!
I think I shoudl find a job- but I'm pretty sure it wouldnt be cost efffective.

I am 40 lbs overweight. and struggling to lose it. I want to be Andy's trophy wife. Not because its what he wants. (He already sees me as his prize) But I want it for myself. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel good about myself and feel good in what I wear. I want to feel confident. Its a slow process. Andy believes in me. Now I need to believe in myself.

OH SNAP 2009!

January 10
New Year Crazy! Today I wondered what would happen to my boys if I died. ALL my boys- yes you too Andy I was thinking of you- I know sad. Who wants to wants to think that way.. but I did. I though about what would happen if I died giving birth- I really hope not but I guess I just want them to know how much I love them.
I wanted to be remembered as a person who loved Jesus, loved her family, that I am/was a good mother and wife. Anyway I dont know why I have been having those thoughts lately.

July 3rd
It has been SOOOOOO long since I have written. Liam Andrew was born Feb. 5th He is going to be 5 months old! So amazing. He is my sweet and precious joy. I love my boys so much, even though Isaac is making me absolutely crazy today. I think maybe my mind is cluttered. Not really- here thinking about dance. Oh man, I miss Andy right now. He is at work I love him so. He has to work tomoorw I know he is sad because of it. Its my birthday and he just wants to make me happy. He doesnt realize how much he already has. He threw me a suprise birthday party on the 1st- but I kinda messed that up because I found out. oops. But it was still wonderful! We are going on the 7th to Floridato see my family- SO EXCITED. It will be good to have a break- so extremely refreshing for Andy- he needs this and that makes me even more excited for our trip.
I must tend to the babies now. Isaac is running around naked and Liam is laughing at him...

Nov. 23rd and 25th 2008

Nov. 23
I need to start writing again. Its been a few weeks. I am listening to Isaac sing himself to sleep. Its kind of funny. Andy is going to Altar tonight. Sometimes I think he forgets the responsiblity we have as parents. I would love to be able to go to Altar too but Isaac does need to have a consistent bed time. I remember being so upset at Josh and Sam when  they kept the girls up and out late. As a parent now, I realize how easy it is to want to stay out but that is so selfish and unfair to our children. Right? I just want to be a good parent, a good mom.
OH! Its a boy!! We are having another baby boy. I thought I'd be unhappy (but who am I kidding) I am so excited. The hard part now is finding a name- we have time. But its hard. I knew Isaac's name immediately. We now God will show us the name for our new boy. I really like having Biblical names. But we'll see. Right now I have the name David in my head. Also James. I dont know.
I have to work early tomorrow. Lame. I shouldnt complain. I have become someone I didnt want to be. Lazy! And now I am not sure how to get back I dont think I can do it myself. I need help.

Nov. 25.
I love Andy so much. Today, well this morning I felt sooo sad. A saddness I havent felt in almost 2 years. I was sitting on the couch and I felt like I did "back then"... sitting and pining and missing Andy so much. Wishing and wanting desperately for him to come back. Today, 2 years later-obviously is so much different. Missing him and knowing that he will be home with me tonight. Its a bummer thought. I'm working all night with no break to see my boys. =(

-Isaiah James?
Lucas James?

November 1st and 8th

Nov. 1
Andy and I have been married for a week! CRAZY! Election is coming up on the 4th It has us a bit concerned- I feel that Obama will win. And it may be the begining of end times. I'm not ready. I dont want my children to see such hardships.Things are already hard. I need to get another job. I hope I could find one from home but I know God will provide, He will not let his children suffer. I do know that as times get tougher a strain will be put even more on our marriage Andy and I must do our best, trust God and we will make it through.

Nov. 8 2 weeks of Marriage WHOO!
Andy and I are doing a Bible study together. Its been good. God has definately wanted me to read Daniel. Daniel was a prophet and he had many dreams and visions- which comes back to me I have lots of dreams.
On Nov. 3rd or 4th I drempt about walking through a big old house. There was a presense (many actually) in the house. They were unseen by the naked eye- some people were aware of the demons, others werent. After a time, only I could see them only through a mirror.
 It was a strange dream but my thought was the Old House is America- you can take it from there.....

My dream last night was about a large dam. It broke and there was a big flood. Some famous and rich people were involved and many people I didnt know.

So many dreams. I have them all the time but I could just have an over active imagination....


September 2008

Its been a long day today, I feel like my patience was tested and I failed miserably. By the time I got home this evening my heart was so heavy. I have treated Isaac horribly. I yelled. I screamed. I was so angry and frustrated, I cried. And he cried because I was angry. I was angry because he wouldnt stop crying. I had forgotten the innocense of my child. I know I was wrong. I can admit that. I can only pray that GOd will give me the strength, wisdom, courage, and patience that it takes to be a mom. I have made it so far, but I know it gets harder. It seems one child now is hard- 2 will be even harder. Whats crazy is Andy wants more.

Today is the last day (I hope) of being sick. Monday (15th) I woke up at 2:00am throwing up and with diahrea. We went to the ER it helped me get through Monday and that was it. The rest of the week I stayed home either on the couch or next to the toilet. But the one thing that brought me some relaxation and comfort was showertime. It gave me time to just think. It was by Wednesday that it became God time. I spent alot of time talking and listening. I asked and questioned my faith. I feel like my faith isnt strong enough- My lack of faith in my faith makes me stumble It is why He doesnt or is unable to move in me the way he could. I, myself, am stopping him. I need to not do that.
Tonight I just thought about the week, And how much Andy loves me. Thursday night I got sick, he stood next to me and held back my hair, rubbed my back and just held me. I love him so much. He is home now- Time to spend time with my love.

Monday, December 13, 2010

August 2008

We've moved to Bartlesville, OK. And have been here for 2 weeks 2 days. Its been crazy. Andy and I are bother working again and planning the wedding.
I finally found my dress I want but cant afford it right now. It sucks. So hard to imagine how we are going to pull this wedding off. Its frustrating but we will make it. God provides for his people.

Aug. 22
Isaac is so precious to me. I cant be angry. Not at Kristy and Barry. They are trying to run a business. I am a big part of it. They cut my hours but its for a good reason. I'm pregnant. They are considering my safety and health

Aug 26
This weekend was such a whirlwind. very emotional. I know God will provide for our needs. last night we were invited over to Vic and Ellie's they are starting a church plant and really want Andy and I to be involved. Its very exciting. I 've known there was a bigger purpose for us coming to Bartlesville. This maybe it. After Sunday service at Life and meeting with the Mitchells I feel so pumped and refueled- ready to go. I need to build my spirit my knowledge my everying I am expected to be a leader a mentor a friend to the people of Bartlesville. I need to be ready. I am part of the new generation. I must be ready.

July 10 and 16th 2008

It may very well be possible that I am losing my mind. I swear I'm hearing music and I keep thinking its the radio. Maybe so many things seem wrong and I am trying to ignore them.
Mom and Mike hate the thought of us moving.  Andy and Mike got into it last night. Its not good. If we could Andy would have had us leave last night. I just we could take the time to talk.

I dont know whats wrong with me. Actually I think I do. My hormones are changing so much. I am not sleeping well. Having bizzare dreams non of them make any sense totally irrelevant to whats going on in life.
I feel I am in a void. Lately I have these random questions for Andy about his and A___'s relationship. I dont know why- well maybe because I want to know why. (Why he considered persuing her when I was pregnant) Its over and done with  and I dont need to know- I shouldnt know.
Void. I am in a void. God what is wrong with my heart. I feel like I am simply existing not living. I hear Andy tell me how much he loves me but I'm not feeling anything. Its not Andy. Its me. Its my heart. I know I love him. I know he is my love. I just cant feel anything. I hate this. Why now. is it because of all the stress of moving? everything thats going on?
Its probably God. You telling me to look at you again.Stop focus on Andy, moving, my parents, my job, the baby and Isaac. I just need to come back to You, get to living and feeling love in my heart.