8-16th
We've moved to Bartlesville, OK. And have been here for 2 weeks 2 days. Its been crazy. Andy and I are bother working again and planning the wedding.
I finally found my dress I want but cant afford it right now. It sucks. So hard to imagine how we are going to pull this wedding off. Its frustrating but we will make it. God provides for his people.
Aug. 22
Isaac is so precious to me. I cant be angry. Not at Kristy and Barry. They are trying to run a business. I am a big part of it. They cut my hours but its for a good reason. I'm pregnant. They are considering my safety and health
Aug 26
This weekend was such a whirlwind. very emotional. I know God will provide for our needs. last night we were invited over to Vic and Ellie's they are starting a church plant and really want Andy and I to be involved. Its very exciting. I 've known there was a bigger purpose for us coming to Bartlesville. This maybe it. After Sunday service at Life and meeting with the Mitchells I feel so pumped and refueled- ready to go. I need to build my spirit my knowledge my everying I am expected to be a leader a mentor a friend to the people of Bartlesville. I need to be ready. I am part of the new generation. I must be ready.
Monday, December 13, 2010
July 10 and 16th 2008
7-10-08
It may very well be possible that I am losing my mind. I swear I'm hearing music and I keep thinking its the radio. Maybe so many things seem wrong and I am trying to ignore them.
Mom and Mike hate the thought of us moving. Andy and Mike got into it last night. Its not good. If we could Andy would have had us leave last night. I just we could take the time to talk.
7-16-2008
I dont know whats wrong with me. Actually I think I do. My hormones are changing so much. I am not sleeping well. Having bizzare dreams non of them make any sense totally irrelevant to whats going on in life.
I feel I am in a void. Lately I have these random questions for Andy about his and A___'s relationship. I dont know why- well maybe because I want to know why. (Why he considered persuing her when I was pregnant) Its over and done with and I dont need to know- I shouldnt know.
Void. I am in a void. God what is wrong with my heart. I feel like I am simply existing not living. I hear Andy tell me how much he loves me but I'm not feeling anything. Its not Andy. Its me. Its my heart. I know I love him. I know he is my love. I just cant feel anything. I hate this. Why now. is it because of all the stress of moving? everything thats going on?
Its probably God. You telling me to look at you again.Stop focus on Andy, moving, my parents, my job, the baby and Isaac. I just need to come back to You, get to living and feeling love in my heart.
It may very well be possible that I am losing my mind. I swear I'm hearing music and I keep thinking its the radio. Maybe so many things seem wrong and I am trying to ignore them.
Mom and Mike hate the thought of us moving. Andy and Mike got into it last night. Its not good. If we could Andy would have had us leave last night. I just we could take the time to talk.
7-16-2008
I dont know whats wrong with me. Actually I think I do. My hormones are changing so much. I am not sleeping well. Having bizzare dreams non of them make any sense totally irrelevant to whats going on in life.
I feel I am in a void. Lately I have these random questions for Andy about his and A___'s relationship. I dont know why- well maybe because I want to know why. (Why he considered persuing her when I was pregnant) Its over and done with and I dont need to know- I shouldnt know.
Void. I am in a void. God what is wrong with my heart. I feel like I am simply existing not living. I hear Andy tell me how much he loves me but I'm not feeling anything. Its not Andy. Its me. Its my heart. I know I love him. I know he is my love. I just cant feel anything. I hate this. Why now. is it because of all the stress of moving? everything thats going on?
Its probably God. You telling me to look at you again.Stop focus on Andy, moving, my parents, my job, the baby and Isaac. I just need to come back to You, get to living and feeling love in my heart.
July 7th and 8th
7-7-08
I'm bad and read Andy's journal- but I know he read's mine too- so we're even. He refered to my being pregnant a miracle. I hadnt thought of it that way. He's right though. This baby is a miracle. an unexpected but a miracle.
Brenda is so silly. We spoke breifly last night. She asked me "Doesnt it feel good when what you've known in your heart for years comes true?"
It does. Andy loves me. We are going to get married. I'm so happy.
7-8-08
Today I get my IUD taken out. Andy has so many questions for the doctors. He should and I'm glad he does. I havent fully thoght about it yet I guess I wont really believe I'm pregnant until the ultra sound and the heart bleat or the bump is visible. There is so much to think about. moving. the dance studio. the baby.
I'm bad and read Andy's journal- but I know he read's mine too- so we're even. He refered to my being pregnant a miracle. I hadnt thought of it that way. He's right though. This baby is a miracle. an unexpected but a miracle.
Brenda is so silly. We spoke breifly last night. She asked me "Doesnt it feel good when what you've known in your heart for years comes true?"
It does. Andy loves me. We are going to get married. I'm so happy.
7-8-08
Today I get my IUD taken out. Andy has so many questions for the doctors. He should and I'm glad he does. I havent fully thoght about it yet I guess I wont really believe I'm pregnant until the ultra sound and the heart bleat or the bump is visible. There is so much to think about. moving. the dance studio. the baby.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
July 6 2008
Sometimes I wonder why Andy loves me as much as he does. He is crazy! Crazy in love with me. I am so blessed... to start life with him.
We're offically engaged. He asked me on top of the world. Because someday we will actually be on top! This is one day I will never forget!
We're offically engaged. He asked me on top of the world. Because someday we will actually be on top! This is one day I will never forget!
The Ring ^^^^
The Place >>>>>>>>>>>>
July 3rd 2008- Suprise!
Its been a crazy week. The past week and a half Andy and I had a feeling- Wednesday night it was offically confirmed. I'm pregnant again. Its been scary. I have my IUD in. I'm that one person in however many thousands that gets pregnant. The nurses were extremely concerned yesterday- a possible out come of this stituation is that I may not be able to have anymore children
But Andy has been so wonderful throught it all. So supportive. So loving. He's so excited. to be a dad again. Dont know how we are going to manage but it will be done.
My birthday is tomorrow... 21. I'm so old! haha I suspect Andy is planning something just crazy! I have my ideas..... but we'll see.
But Andy has been so wonderful throught it all. So supportive. So loving. He's so excited. to be a dad again. Dont know how we are going to manage but it will be done.
My birthday is tomorrow... 21. I'm so old! haha I suspect Andy is planning something just crazy! I have my ideas..... but we'll see.
June 2008
6-2-2008
Its Monday. I had a good weekend. Friday night Andy took me to the Ballet. It was wonderful. Andy actually liked it.
Saturday we went out to Flagler Beach- got burned. Spent some time with Grandma and watched the shuttle launch.
6-18-2008 8:25am
Its been a fre weeks since I've written. I'm sitting on the couch watching Isaac. He is being so goofy. The past few weeks have been trying. Somehow we have gone over budget paid $70 extra for rent Both went in the negative But we shall prevail. Kristy is offering me a job teaching at the Bartlesville Studio again. They have opened up a new studio in Kansas.
I would love to go back, but the expenses of the move worry me. Right now, I know I have a stinky diaper to change and a bath to administer.
6-20-2008 8:13am
Isaac is ripping apart newpaper and having a good ol' time. I'm really glad its Friday. my heart is swelling with joy. I had a rough morning. I was upset because the pancakes didnt turn out right. Andy reminded me how silly it was to be upset because we had already eaten the pancakes and they tasted fine. Andy and Isaac give me such joy. Just the thought of them makes me feel that way. joyful.
___________________________________
Note... Its a fact I still get upset when my pancakes (or any other meal for that matter) doesnt turn out right... I'm just not as dramatic about it.
Its Monday. I had a good weekend. Friday night Andy took me to the Ballet. It was wonderful. Andy actually liked it.
Saturday we went out to Flagler Beach- got burned. Spent some time with Grandma and watched the shuttle launch.
6-18-2008 8:25am
Its been a fre weeks since I've written. I'm sitting on the couch watching Isaac. He is being so goofy. The past few weeks have been trying. Somehow we have gone over budget paid $70 extra for rent Both went in the negative But we shall prevail. Kristy is offering me a job teaching at the Bartlesville Studio again. They have opened up a new studio in Kansas.
I would love to go back, but the expenses of the move worry me. Right now, I know I have a stinky diaper to change and a bath to administer.
6-20-2008 8:13am
Isaac is ripping apart newpaper and having a good ol' time. I'm really glad its Friday. my heart is swelling with joy. I had a rough morning. I was upset because the pancakes didnt turn out right. Andy reminded me how silly it was to be upset because we had already eaten the pancakes and they tasted fine. Andy and Isaac give me such joy. Just the thought of them makes me feel that way. joyful.
___________________________________
Note... Its a fact I still get upset when my pancakes (or any other meal for that matter) doesnt turn out right... I'm just not as dramatic about it.
May 25 2008
8:48pm
Today was such an awesoem day.I got to see Chelsea for a few hours. We joined her for church at Northland in Longwood. It was pretty much amazing then we went to the Korea House. Chel got to tell me stories about her mom's trip to Isreal. In Amsterdam her mom layed hands on a man and he was brought back to life after being dead for 20 minutes. Then while in Jeruselem She went to the Upper Room where Jesus and His disciples broke bread. She was praying and her spirit was transported into Heaven. She saw the throne and all the Fruits of the Spirit were poured into her chest. A woman with them was taking pictures when they looked back at the pictures they saw orbs near her chest getting smaller as if going into her. AMAZING
I wish to have faith like that. To believe like she does. Unafraid. deep. unbreakable. untouchable.
I know Chelsea's heart is so similar to her mother's
I was so glad to have seen Chel. She was one of my closest friends while in Oklahoma and still is I pray I keep her close for a very long time.
Chel was telling me how the Lord wanted her to give up dance. COMPLETELY. And I wondered if God has that same thought in mind for me. I miss dancing but I feel like my gift is gone.
... I'm going to go eat some ice cream. YUMMY!
Today was such an awesoem day.I got to see Chelsea for a few hours. We joined her for church at Northland in Longwood. It was pretty much amazing then we went to the Korea House. Chel got to tell me stories about her mom's trip to Isreal. In Amsterdam her mom layed hands on a man and he was brought back to life after being dead for 20 minutes. Then while in Jeruselem She went to the Upper Room where Jesus and His disciples broke bread. She was praying and her spirit was transported into Heaven. She saw the throne and all the Fruits of the Spirit were poured into her chest. A woman with them was taking pictures when they looked back at the pictures they saw orbs near her chest getting smaller as if going into her. AMAZING
I wish to have faith like that. To believe like she does. Unafraid. deep. unbreakable. untouchable.
I know Chelsea's heart is so similar to her mother's
I was so glad to have seen Chel. She was one of my closest friends while in Oklahoma and still is I pray I keep her close for a very long time.
Chel was telling me how the Lord wanted her to give up dance. COMPLETELY. And I wondered if God has that same thought in mind for me. I miss dancing but I feel like my gift is gone.
... I'm going to go eat some ice cream. YUMMY!
May 19th
We have to get up for BootCamp tomorrow at 5:20am I'm not looking forward to it. Thats all.... I lied. I'll write more.
Last week Andy made me start reading one of His books. Its called The Last Disciple. It was really good I want to keep reading but I dont know what. Andy wants me to read my Bible but I'm really struggling with that.
My thoughts seem voided. I have nothing deep or profound to say. and quite frankly that bothers me. I enjoy those "aaa ha" moments. Where everything comes into clarity. Maybe I do need to emerse myself into the word Then what thoughts I have hidden in the depths of my mind will emerge.
But we'll see thoguth I need to actually open the Book and see whats inside.
I'm so proud of Andy. He is beginning to write. This is a good step. I hope soon he can let go of Pittsburgh and a past that haunts him. I wish it wouldnt. God help me help him.
Last week Andy made me start reading one of His books. Its called The Last Disciple. It was really good I want to keep reading but I dont know what. Andy wants me to read my Bible but I'm really struggling with that.
My thoughts seem voided. I have nothing deep or profound to say. and quite frankly that bothers me. I enjoy those "aaa ha" moments. Where everything comes into clarity. Maybe I do need to emerse myself into the word Then what thoughts I have hidden in the depths of my mind will emerge.
But we'll see thoguth I need to actually open the Book and see whats inside.
I'm so proud of Andy. He is beginning to write. This is a good step. I hope soon he can let go of Pittsburgh and a past that haunts him. I wish it wouldnt. God help me help him.
May 17th
I've been blessed with love from Andy. From my Isaac. This morning I just watched Isaac. He is so beautiful. Every moment today has been a gift. Everday is a gift.
Isaac has crawled off somewhere... the chase is on...
11:20pm
My heart is heavy I feel lost. sad. lonely. my chest is compressed. God what are you telling me. should i be praying for someone?
Isaac has crawled off somewhere... the chase is on...
11:20pm
My heart is heavy I feel lost. sad. lonely. my chest is compressed. God what are you telling me. should i be praying for someone?
May 14, 15 2008
5-14- 2008
No words could express how Andy makes me feel. Sometimes just the mere thought of him makes my heart flutter. And there are times like last night. We went at it. Because I have an opportunity to move up at work. But I dont want to, I'm not ready. or I'm just scared. Andy knows I can do it. I was lectured about how great I am and how he believes in me. But dont know why or how we could argue about that. What I do know is how he loves me so much. I am so blessed.
Andy, I know you will ready this someday. Thank you for loving me, believing in me and being apart of my life. I really do love you more than words could ever express.
5-15-2008
Thank You. You bless me so. Andy is a thinker. Sometimes his thoughts overwhelm me. However they are powerful. God he is such a man of you. Constantly seeking after you and encouraging me to do the same. I want to find a good journal. He needs to write his story. How you walk with him. How your love is so redeeming. His story could change a world but I know that the story isnt over yet.
No words could express how Andy makes me feel. Sometimes just the mere thought of him makes my heart flutter. And there are times like last night. We went at it. Because I have an opportunity to move up at work. But I dont want to, I'm not ready. or I'm just scared. Andy knows I can do it. I was lectured about how great I am and how he believes in me. But dont know why or how we could argue about that. What I do know is how he loves me so much. I am so blessed.
Andy, I know you will ready this someday. Thank you for loving me, believing in me and being apart of my life. I really do love you more than words could ever express.
5-15-2008
Thank You. You bless me so. Andy is a thinker. Sometimes his thoughts overwhelm me. However they are powerful. God he is such a man of you. Constantly seeking after you and encouraging me to do the same. I want to find a good journal. He needs to write his story. How you walk with him. How your love is so redeeming. His story could change a world but I know that the story isnt over yet.
Friday, December 10, 2010
May 10th & 13th 2008
5-10-2008 Mothers Day
Its been an amazing mothers day. Isaac got me the sweetest card and pretty orchids. they are purple and very lovely.
5-13-2008
I gues i never said that Isaac had given me an early Mother's day gift- He took his first steps. That was on 5-9-2008 it was pretty awesome!
I have alot of things I need to work on. One of them is nagging. I nag Andy a lot. I dont know sometimes he embarrasses me or makes me nervous. But dont get me wrong. when I say he embarrasses me. I'm not ashamed of him. He like attention. So sometimes he likes to show off in public. I'm not into that. Its not the way I want to shine.
But I guess these days in order for people to see a glimpse of your Light, you have to do something a little bit off the wall to grab focus off their "busy" lives and onto someone moving for God
Its been an amazing mothers day. Isaac got me the sweetest card and pretty orchids. they are purple and very lovely.
5-13-2008
I gues i never said that Isaac had given me an early Mother's day gift- He took his first steps. That was on 5-9-2008 it was pretty awesome!
I have alot of things I need to work on. One of them is nagging. I nag Andy a lot. I dont know sometimes he embarrasses me or makes me nervous. But dont get me wrong. when I say he embarrasses me. I'm not ashamed of him. He like attention. So sometimes he likes to show off in public. I'm not into that. Its not the way I want to shine.
But I guess these days in order for people to see a glimpse of your Light, you have to do something a little bit off the wall to grab focus off their "busy" lives and onto someone moving for God
April 2008
4-4-2008
I can feel it, those days when Satan tries to break in and spread seeds of doubt into my heart. I must be stronger. No. I AM Sronger.
Last night I just stared deeply into Andy's eyes. I knew, just like I've always known that I love him. Very much. He has my heart.
I am laying on the bed noticing the wall paper is peeling and above it there may be some mold. gross.
I cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move.
Isaac is sick.. i dont like when my baby has the sniffles.
4-8-2008
Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I have roof over my head. food. a loving boyfriend. a beautiful son. A loving God. I am so blessed
Andy and I know we are going to get married. I mentioned it to my dad last night. He asked me what we are waiting for. It made me wonder if my wanting to wait til Oct. '09 is the wrong choice.
But I want our families there. My family. Andy's family. I just dont know Lord, give me the wisdom I seek, please?
4-18-2008
I began thinking about Dan. I miss him and I hardly knew him. I wish I could have had just a little longer. But maybe that would have hurt a little more. He is greatly missed.
I was reading through my entries. On Jan 21 I said Dan would be my miracle for 2008. It wasnt the miracle I wanted. But He was a mirable none the less. He changed lives. He changed a city. And for that my world, this world has been forever changed
I can feel it, those days when Satan tries to break in and spread seeds of doubt into my heart. I must be stronger. No. I AM Sronger.
Last night I just stared deeply into Andy's eyes. I knew, just like I've always known that I love him. Very much. He has my heart.
I am laying on the bed noticing the wall paper is peeling and above it there may be some mold. gross.
I cant wait for our lease to be up so we can move.
Isaac is sick.. i dont like when my baby has the sniffles.
4-8-2008
Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I have roof over my head. food. a loving boyfriend. a beautiful son. A loving God. I am so blessed
Andy and I know we are going to get married. I mentioned it to my dad last night. He asked me what we are waiting for. It made me wonder if my wanting to wait til Oct. '09 is the wrong choice.
But I want our families there. My family. Andy's family. I just dont know Lord, give me the wisdom I seek, please?
4-18-2008
I began thinking about Dan. I miss him and I hardly knew him. I wish I could have had just a little longer. But maybe that would have hurt a little more. He is greatly missed.
I was reading through my entries. On Jan 21 I said Dan would be my miracle for 2008. It wasnt the miracle I wanted. But He was a mirable none the less. He changed lives. He changed a city. And for that my world, this world has been forever changed
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
March 22 2008
We took Isaac on his first boat ride. With His Mimi and PawPa and Uncle Chris. It was sooo fun We even got Isaac his own life jacket. We rode all through the channels that connect the lakes.
Feb. 19th 2008
1:49pm
God where is the line drawn? I feel so selfish. I ask too much of you. I know I must remain faithful. My heart hurts so badly. I dont know what to do. Andy is on a run. He's running again. He's scared. We both are. Together we total a debt of $50,000 and now we dont have enough to pay rent in 10 days. or get Andy's car out of the shop. I'm not sure if we can even afford grocerier. I know that Isaac is and will be taken care of. GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I know I wont get paid on my next check. We were gone for 3 weeks. Lord what do we do. I am so tired Father. Do you have it in front of me. Am I too blind to see? Help me, help us open our eyes. Something. Anything. Am I alright to ask?
________________________________________________________________________
Note: Though the absolute grace of God. in less than 3 years we have been able to to cut our debt in half. We look forward to the day we are debt free!
God where is the line drawn? I feel so selfish. I ask too much of you. I know I must remain faithful. My heart hurts so badly. I dont know what to do. Andy is on a run. He's running again. He's scared. We both are. Together we total a debt of $50,000 and now we dont have enough to pay rent in 10 days. or get Andy's car out of the shop. I'm not sure if we can even afford grocerier. I know that Isaac is and will be taken care of. GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO?? I know I wont get paid on my next check. We were gone for 3 weeks. Lord what do we do. I am so tired Father. Do you have it in front of me. Am I too blind to see? Help me, help us open our eyes. Something. Anything. Am I alright to ask?
________________________________________________________________________
Note: Though the absolute grace of God. in less than 3 years we have been able to to cut our debt in half. We look forward to the day we are debt free!
Monday, December 6, 2010
February 11, 2008
1:42am
Its been a few weeks since I'v last written so much has happened.
January 27 we received a message from Brenda (Andy's mom) Dan was asking all of his children to come home. Including Isaac and myself. He said he didnt have much time.
January 28 we flew into Bismarck, our luggage was misplaced so we didnt get to see Dan until the next morning. He looked so fragile. But he was in good spirits. By the 30th we were able to take him home. And then a few days later he wasnt doing so good.
On February 3rd 2008 Daniel Edward Holm went home to Jesus. He was laid to rest on the 6th.
Its been a long 2 weeks. We miss Dan so very much. We've been without him for a week.
I know it hasnt fully settled in yet, for anyone really. Brenda is hurting so bad.
I dont know what I would do if I ever lost Andy.
Then on Friday the 8th... Isaac crawled. We are so proud of him and he got his first tooth.
Dan and Isaac. :)
We Love you Dad.
Its been a few weeks since I'v last written so much has happened.
January 27 we received a message from Brenda (Andy's mom) Dan was asking all of his children to come home. Including Isaac and myself. He said he didnt have much time.
January 28 we flew into Bismarck, our luggage was misplaced so we didnt get to see Dan until the next morning. He looked so fragile. But he was in good spirits. By the 30th we were able to take him home. And then a few days later he wasnt doing so good.
On February 3rd 2008 Daniel Edward Holm went home to Jesus. He was laid to rest on the 6th.
Its been a long 2 weeks. We miss Dan so very much. We've been without him for a week.
I know it hasnt fully settled in yet, for anyone really. Brenda is hurting so bad.
I dont know what I would do if I ever lost Andy.
Then on Friday the 8th... Isaac crawled. We are so proud of him and he got his first tooth.
Dan and Isaac. :)
We Love you Dad.
Jan. 22/ 25. 2008
1-22
2 Peter 1:18
This is my much loved son, with whom I am well-pleased
Isaac is so wonderful. God has a lifetime of wonder and adventure in store for him.
God your love abounds. I want this home to be filled with love. Right now though it all seems so unreal. Not the love being unreal but everything seems so fairytale like. I like it.
1-25
I had many thoughts I wanted to write out yesterday. but I've forgotten many of them.
A picture from that date------------>
2 Peter 1:18
This is my much loved son, with whom I am well-pleased
Isaac is so wonderful. God has a lifetime of wonder and adventure in store for him.
God your love abounds. I want this home to be filled with love. Right now though it all seems so unreal. Not the love being unreal but everything seems so fairytale like. I like it.
1-25
I had many thoughts I wanted to write out yesterday. but I've forgotten many of them.Andy and I got to go out on a dadte the other night. It was a Tuesday. haha dinner and a movie. so generic but so enjoyable. We talked ideas for the future restaurant. We have so many ideas. God help us get there. Your will.
Andy Loves me.... hehe.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
We're together and I'm Happy...we... we're just AWESOME!!
January 21 2008 8:40am
My first entry of the new year. so much has happened and I wouldnt have started this now if Andy wouldnt have told me to keep up writting.
So on the 20th of December Izzy and I went to ND had an amazing time.
On Dec. 31 Andy and I made it offical. We are together.
January 10th- He arrived in Florida.
January 18th--- He told me he love me. Made a candle lit diner. Lovey dovey music and all. I loved it. Then last night he told me he knew that we are goingto get married. He's known that for 1 1/2 years. WOW. THats why he ran. He was scared. But that past is behind us now. 2007 is done, Praise Jesus. And now a New Year is ahead of us. Its going to be a good one. I'm praying for a miracle for Dan. I want my future father in law at the wedding. Dan will be my miracle for 2008.
My first entry of the new year. so much has happened and I wouldnt have started this now if Andy wouldnt have told me to keep up writting.
So on the 20th of December Izzy and I went to ND had an amazing time.
On Dec. 31 Andy and I made it offical. We are together.
January 10th- He arrived in Florida.
January 18th--- He told me he love me. Made a candle lit diner. Lovey dovey music and all. I loved it. Then last night he told me he knew that we are goingto get married. He's known that for 1 1/2 years. WOW. THats why he ran. He was scared. But that past is behind us now. 2007 is done, Praise Jesus. And now a New Year is ahead of us. Its going to be a good one. I'm praying for a miracle for Dan. I want my future father in law at the wedding. Dan will be my miracle for 2008.
_____________________________________________________________________
Note: Andy and I had NEVER told eachother that we had loved eachother until that night. Neither of us believed that those beautiful and specials words needed to be thrown around until we were ablsolutely sure we meant it. So it made it all the more special for me to actually hear those words. It had true and absolute meaning.
But you all already knew how I felt already... :)
Nov. 1, 2, 3, 2007
11-1 10:43pm
I love that Andy and I can argue and be upset with eachother (but mostly at life) vent and talk it out, then laugh about the conversation. Tonight helped me realize how much he really does care and I very well let him know that I care about him very much. I miss him alot!
11-2 11:38pm
I hate my computer. I think that the fan isnt working and thats why its over heating. maybe? I dont know but while it was working i listened to a bit of "Love Affair" by Copeland. That song used to make me really sad. SO much it would make me cry. I listened to it over and over so I would become numb to it and numb to the situation at the time. But now I realize its a beautiful song. Beautifully written. Keying in so perfectly on the emotions of a broken heart. goodness..... bedtime.
11-3 11:55pm
Last night I had a nightmare I soon hope to forget. If what happend in my dream ever came true I'd probably go to jail. or kill myself. Isaac is the reason I live. He is my world.
All day I've been in a funk. Since that stupid dream. This evening all I wanted to do was cry. I felt as if I'd lost something. or Maybe never had it? Andy? I just miss him. Alot. I want my boys together. but I dont want to leave.
I love that Andy and I can argue and be upset with eachother (but mostly at life) vent and talk it out, then laugh about the conversation. Tonight helped me realize how much he really does care and I very well let him know that I care about him very much. I miss him alot!
11-2 11:38pm
I hate my computer. I think that the fan isnt working and thats why its over heating. maybe? I dont know but while it was working i listened to a bit of "Love Affair" by Copeland. That song used to make me really sad. SO much it would make me cry. I listened to it over and over so I would become numb to it and numb to the situation at the time. But now I realize its a beautiful song. Beautifully written. Keying in so perfectly on the emotions of a broken heart. goodness..... bedtime.
11-3 11:55pm
Last night I had a nightmare I soon hope to forget. If what happend in my dream ever came true I'd probably go to jail. or kill myself. Isaac is the reason I live. He is my world.
All day I've been in a funk. Since that stupid dream. This evening all I wanted to do was cry. I felt as if I'd lost something. or Maybe never had it? Andy? I just miss him. Alot. I want my boys together. but I dont want to leave.
Oct. 30- 31, 2007
12:12am
I dont know what it is. The sound of his voice. His touch. His smile. The mere thought of him makes me happy.
However.
He confuses me alot. A lot! A LOT! One day he wants me in Williston. Then all us here in Florida. Now maybe in Grand Forks. I'm a little stuck on sticking around here. I have my lease. to think about. And I need $ to break it and to have money you need a job. BLAAAAAAHHH! I feel like somthing is wrong with me. and Andy.
10-31 10:58 pm
I got a job!! kinda really excited.
But I know Andy isnt so much. He is and he isnt. He wants me to move. But I am tired of jumping through hoops for him. Or anybody for that matter
Today I realized I really dont want to move. I'm tired of instability and moving again only prolongs it. I know I've moved multiple times but I really would like to stay in one place for a bit.
I know Andy doesnt want to come down and live with me- because he doesnt want to give into those temptations. And it will be even harder under the same roog. So many things to think about and consider. Blah
However Isaac looked super cute for his first Halloween! He was a chili pepper.
He was SMOKIN HOTT! haha
I dont know what it is. The sound of his voice. His touch. His smile. The mere thought of him makes me happy.
However.
He confuses me alot. A lot! A LOT! One day he wants me in Williston. Then all us here in Florida. Now maybe in Grand Forks. I'm a little stuck on sticking around here. I have my lease. to think about. And I need $ to break it and to have money you need a job. BLAAAAAAHHH! I feel like somthing is wrong with me. and Andy.
10-31 10:58 pm
I got a job!! kinda really excited.
But I know Andy isnt so much. He is and he isnt. He wants me to move. But I am tired of jumping through hoops for him. Or anybody for that matter
Today I realized I really dont want to move. I'm tired of instability and moving again only prolongs it. I know I've moved multiple times but I really would like to stay in one place for a bit.
I know Andy doesnt want to come down and live with me- because he doesnt want to give into those temptations. And it will be even harder under the same roog. So many things to think about and consider. Blah
However Isaac looked super cute for his first Halloween! He was a chili pepper.
He was SMOKIN HOTT! haha
Oct. 24, 2007 and Oct. 25
12:07am
God, what is the truth. Was Andy just pulling on my heart strings or did he really mean any of the things he said. My heart is just so sad right now. I just want that best friend back. I want my Andy back.
8:18pm
It was so good to talk to Andy a little bit today. I think he is overwhelmed by the decisions we need to make. He's trying to take them head on and well I'm avoiding them. Shame on me. From the sound of it. He wants us up there but he doesnt want to be there anymore. Today I had the random thought of moving to California. I'd have my sisters but thats too far away from mom for me. However, Andy was talking about wanting to go to the beach today, asking about the weather this time of year. I dont know what he is thinking.
10-25-2007
I'm stupid thats all. Stupid for a boy. Not just any boy. THE boy. THE Man. My man. (sorta) My Andy.
I talk about him way too much.
Andy is hanging out with the girls again. and I think I am okay with that. I trust him. I do. I dont think he'll hurt me like that. Today he was talking about how I make him happy. He's considering moving to Florida seriously this time. I think that would be wonderful. I jsut want our little family together. In ND or here in Florida. Shoot even in Oklahoma. It doesnt matter. We just need to pray about it.
God, what is the truth. Was Andy just pulling on my heart strings or did he really mean any of the things he said. My heart is just so sad right now. I just want that best friend back. I want my Andy back.
8:18pm
It was so good to talk to Andy a little bit today. I think he is overwhelmed by the decisions we need to make. He's trying to take them head on and well I'm avoiding them. Shame on me. From the sound of it. He wants us up there but he doesnt want to be there anymore. Today I had the random thought of moving to California. I'd have my sisters but thats too far away from mom for me. However, Andy was talking about wanting to go to the beach today, asking about the weather this time of year. I dont know what he is thinking.
10-25-2007
I'm stupid thats all. Stupid for a boy. Not just any boy. THE boy. THE Man. My man. (sorta) My Andy.
I talk about him way too much.
Andy is hanging out with the girls again. and I think I am okay with that. I trust him. I do. I dont think he'll hurt me like that. Today he was talking about how I make him happy. He's considering moving to Florida seriously this time. I think that would be wonderful. I jsut want our little family together. In ND or here in Florida. Shoot even in Oklahoma. It doesnt matter. We just need to pray about it.
Oct. 23, 2007
8:01pm
I'm still in a funk today. I drempt andy slept with J_____. He said nothing to assure me that he didnt when I told him about it. I'm going to trust he hasnt done anything. He is a good man.
8:18 dishes are done. I want this feeling-this funk gone. Why is my heart so heavy.
I'm still in a funk today. I drempt andy slept with J_____. He said nothing to assure me that he didnt when I told him about it. I'm going to trust he hasnt done anything. He is a good man.
8:18 dishes are done. I want this feeling-this funk gone. Why is my heart so heavy.
Andy and I love this litte guy ALOT
Probably because he's cute. Mostly because he's ours
Oct. 22. 2007
I feel: avoided.
Andy and I have hardly talked at all today. I dont know if its because of last night or what. I'm not sure what to think. I've been in a funk all day. Its weird. I miss him.
He is so amazing though. He sent me a check to pay for the month of Novembers rent
He is me a picture of the steak he made- the plate set up. A restaurant is his dream. I want to be part of that. HE wants me to be part of it. I want this dream of his to happen. I have faith it will. The when, where, and hows dont matter right now because God will make it happen and answer all those questions in HIS time.
God, Why does the longing of him hurt so bad. I need to want YOU that way. Be my Rock.
Andy and I have hardly talked at all today. I dont know if its because of last night or what. I'm not sure what to think. I've been in a funk all day. Its weird. I miss him.
He is so amazing though. He sent me a check to pay for the month of Novembers rent
He is me a picture of the steak he made- the plate set up. A restaurant is his dream. I want to be part of that. HE wants me to be part of it. I want this dream of his to happen. I have faith it will. The when, where, and hows dont matter right now because God will make it happen and answer all those questions in HIS time.
God, Why does the longing of him hurt so bad. I need to want YOU that way. Be my Rock.
Oct. 21.- Oct 22 2007
10- 21 7:59pm
My heart is longing to be in the arms of someone over 1,000 miles away. this is driving me crazy! All I want is to be with Andy right now. The 3 of us. Our little family. The people that make me complete.
Isaac is talking to the fish on his singing bouncer. He really loves those fish.
Its been raining all evening. Its not helping my mood. In need of my best friend. I need my love. I need Andy.
8:18.pm I have NO motivation to clean right now.
10-22
Andy and I are really struggling with this distance and no sex bit. We both want and we know we shouldnt. And it really just sucks alot.
I was reading my old entries. I never realized how depressed I was. I have new issues now but these are nothing. I have my boys and they make it just disappear.
My heart is longing to be in the arms of someone over 1,000 miles away. this is driving me crazy! All I want is to be with Andy right now. The 3 of us. Our little family. The people that make me complete.
Isaac is talking to the fish on his singing bouncer. He really loves those fish.
Its been raining all evening. Its not helping my mood. In need of my best friend. I need my love. I need Andy.
8:18.pm I have NO motivation to clean right now.
10-22
Andy and I are really struggling with this distance and no sex bit. We both want and we know we shouldnt. And it really just sucks alot.
I was reading my old entries. I never realized how depressed I was. I have new issues now but these are nothing. I have my boys and they make it just disappear.
Oct. 19 2007- Oct. 20 2007
10:11pm
Yesterday I got back from North Dakota visting with Andy and his family. I love them and I think they may love me too. And dare I say it? I've won Andy's heart. or I've always had it. He was scared to admit it so he ran. Or thats what he says at least.
Now we are trying to figure out where to live. He there or him here. Or distance now/
The thing is we are addicted to each other- physically. Maybe distance is the smart thing right now.
God has his plan. I will wait for it.
11:19pm
I feel like I've done something horrible. Andy lied to his family. I lied to protect him. And still got him in trouble. Because I couldnt keep my mouth shut. And now's he is angry with his family for not trusting him.
And its my fault, I feel like they are angry with me. I'm so sad.
10-20
12:15am
Andy talked to his family. He says everything is okay now. I sure hope so.
Yesterday I got back from North Dakota visting with Andy and his family. I love them and I think they may love me too. And dare I say it? I've won Andy's heart. or I've always had it. He was scared to admit it so he ran. Or thats what he says at least.
Now we are trying to figure out where to live. He there or him here. Or distance now/
The thing is we are addicted to each other- physically. Maybe distance is the smart thing right now.
God has his plan. I will wait for it.
11:19pm
I feel like I've done something horrible. Andy lied to his family. I lied to protect him. And still got him in trouble. Because I couldnt keep my mouth shut. And now's he is angry with his family for not trusting him.
And its my fault, I feel like they are angry with me. I'm so sad.
10-20
12:15am
Andy talked to his family. He says everything is okay now. I sure hope so.
August sometme?
Its been months of absence. I'm not sure why I stopped writting. But since then.....
Andy and ______ broke up and he came down to Isaac's birth. We are on good terms and are madly in love... just not with eachother. But with our son.
Isaac and I journey up north to be with Andy's family. I hope I can rewin his heart. I hope that someday we could be a family. I just think that maybe its only a dream. Just that... a dream. I could only pray that God would make it true and that I dont screw it up.
Andy and ______ broke up and he came down to Isaac's birth. We are on good terms and are madly in love... just not with eachother. But with our son.
Isaac and I journey up north to be with Andy's family. I hope I can rewin his heart. I hope that someday we could be a family. I just think that maybe its only a dream. Just that... a dream. I could only pray that God would make it true and that I dont screw it up.I know though.. that he has never loved me... or at least I dont believe so.
There is no future for us. Just Isaac. But that should be enough.
And in the end .... Isaac is all I need. Because I love him =) I love him.
______________________________________________________
Note- Isaac was born July 26 2007. He shares his birthday with his daddy.
March 23 2007
JULY 16th.
I need to remember this date. a side from the fact that it is Hannah's birthday. I drempt Andy told me this was the day he was coming down. SO we'll see. Time will tell.
I've also decided that I am not normal. After the brushing of teeth my body decides that its hungry again- Why? Either way I am usually too lazy to eat something and dont. So I wont have to brush my teeth again.
Silly me.
I need to remember this date. a side from the fact that it is Hannah's birthday. I drempt Andy told me this was the day he was coming down. SO we'll see. Time will tell.
I've also decided that I am not normal. After the brushing of teeth my body decides that its hungry again- Why? Either way I am usually too lazy to eat something and dont. So I wont have to brush my teeth again.
Silly me.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
March 22 2007
Lets see ______(she) and I are done messaging each other. and I've made my decision.
NO.
Why? because I can say no. Actually I base many of my decisions on another's happiness. Which isnt nessarily a bad thing but when it comes to this....
I shouldnt care about how someone feels when they never cared about how I felt.
Plus I wont lay there in both physical and emotional pain while he holds her hand and MY baby. That would kill me and I will not die that way.
I had a good talk with BK today He says that Andy really wants to be apart of his son's life- and he might move to Florida or where I am to be with his son. This is going to be a long lifetime.
GOD I Pray you got something good planned
And I know You do- I ust need to be patient and wait for it.
Thank God for Mom. I pray our plan doesnt fall through.
I cant wait for church Sunday.
________________________________________________________________________
Note: What I didnt write.....
Sometime in April, Andy and his uh friend decided they were going to get married. on 7-7-07 which was supposed to be a few weeks before the due date of his son. Their plan was to go to Hawaii.... knowing he had NO money. I was not impressed or pleased by the situation Thus making me one very emotional and very angry pregnant woman.
NO.
Why? because I can say no. Actually I base many of my decisions on another's happiness. Which isnt nessarily a bad thing but when it comes to this....
I shouldnt care about how someone feels when they never cared about how I felt.
Plus I wont lay there in both physical and emotional pain while he holds her hand and MY baby. That would kill me and I will not die that way.
I had a good talk with BK today He says that Andy really wants to be apart of his son's life- and he might move to Florida or where I am to be with his son. This is going to be a long lifetime.
GOD I Pray you got something good planned
And I know You do- I ust need to be patient and wait for it.
Thank God for Mom. I pray our plan doesnt fall through.
I cant wait for church Sunday.
________________________________________________________________________
Note: What I didnt write.....
Sometime in April, Andy and his uh friend decided they were going to get married. on 7-7-07 which was supposed to be a few weeks before the due date of his son. Their plan was to go to Hawaii.... knowing he had NO money. I was not impressed or pleased by the situation Thus making me one very emotional and very angry pregnant woman.
March 16,& 19 2007
3-16
Take it back. Take it all back. Me and Baby are the butt end of jokes. I want the life I was supposed to have. I wish I would have read the signs before it came to this. I believe if I were persecuted for Christ I can take it. But not for this. Not because I made a mistake. I cant look at myself in the mirrow anymore.
I have been dealing with the illness for a very long time. its come to the point where there is no more hiding places.
I'm sorry Baby I wish I would be something good for you.
3-19
10:37pm
Another Funk day. ______(She) Has been messaging me back and forth. And I've been nice. But now She's asking to be here for the birth. Now, its one thing to be family but to be the girl he left me for. I dont know about that. This triangle is a big mess.
I'm angry now.
I'm sad now.
Broken now.
Take it back. Take it all back. Me and Baby are the butt end of jokes. I want the life I was supposed to have. I wish I would have read the signs before it came to this. I believe if I were persecuted for Christ I can take it. But not for this. Not because I made a mistake. I cant look at myself in the mirrow anymore.
I have been dealing with the illness for a very long time. its come to the point where there is no more hiding places.
I'm sorry Baby I wish I would be something good for you.
3-19
10:37pm
Another Funk day. ______(She) Has been messaging me back and forth. And I've been nice. But now She's asking to be here for the birth. Now, its one thing to be family but to be the girl he left me for. I dont know about that. This triangle is a big mess.
I'm angry now.
I'm sad now.
Broken now.
March 11 2007
Lets see in the past 24 hours or so Andy contacted me last night.
His dad has cancer either in his stomach or somewhere around it. My heart is breaken for the family. Even as badly as Andy has hurt me, I still hurt for them.
I love and hate Vanessa Williams. I love the song "Save the Best for Last"
I hate it because it gives false hope to those in love with one who wont love back. lame
my friend Heath is getting on my nerves. He shouldnt hit on a pregnant lady.
on a waaaaaaay other note. I think I found a church. Brought me to tears. Hysterics actually. Well almost.
A random lady named Ms. Patsy came over and prayed over me. I will be returning there.
________________________________________________________________________
Note:
I never saw Patsy again. I believe she heard God's voice and he told her to pray over me.
She slid down an entire row of seats just to be next to me. She prayed with me when I was broken. It saved me.
His dad has cancer either in his stomach or somewhere around it. My heart is breaken for the family. Even as badly as Andy has hurt me, I still hurt for them.
I love and hate Vanessa Williams. I love the song "Save the Best for Last"
I hate it because it gives false hope to those in love with one who wont love back. lame
my friend Heath is getting on my nerves. He shouldnt hit on a pregnant lady.
on a waaaaaaay other note. I think I found a church. Brought me to tears. Hysterics actually. Well almost.
A random lady named Ms. Patsy came over and prayed over me. I will be returning there.
________________________________________________________________________
Note:
I never saw Patsy again. I believe she heard God's voice and he told her to pray over me.
She slid down an entire row of seats just to be next to me. She prayed with me when I was broken. It saved me.
March 8, 9 2007
3-8
My family rocks. They make me a little sane.. I thank God for Sunnie. She knows how to help mend a broken heart.. hehe giggles. Laughter. really is good medicine sometimes.
I have a doc appointment Tuesday and I am a little excited. the end
3-9
Haha finally! All I've been wanting was a good BM and sooo here I am on the pot trying to let it all out! Oh the perks of pregnancy! Constipation! Its been taking its toll!
But enough of that icky stuff =)
I find my life must be getting boring because I am running out of things to write.
My family rocks. They make me a little sane.. I thank God for Sunnie. She knows how to help mend a broken heart.. hehe giggles. Laughter. really is good medicine sometimes.
I have a doc appointment Tuesday and I am a little excited. the end
3-9
Haha finally! All I've been wanting was a good BM and sooo here I am on the pot trying to let it all out! Oh the perks of pregnancy! Constipation! Its been taking its toll!
But enough of that icky stuff =)
I find my life must be getting boring because I am running out of things to write.
March 6 2007
My addiction to Tetris is getting bad. soo bad. I could develop carpel tunnel! haha.
This Yo-Yo Ma cd = wonderful
Sleep now Baby sleep.
Some of the greatest comedians led sad lives. How'd they cope-duh- laughter. But what do you do when your saddness overwhelms you. and the situation seems no longer laughable.
today I feel worthless.
unwanted.
unloved
unworthy- of anything good in this world
I wanted to change the world, but now they look at me like a whore.
I want my future back. I want my life back
This Yo-Yo Ma cd = wonderful
Sleep now Baby sleep.
Some of the greatest comedians led sad lives. How'd they cope-duh- laughter. But what do you do when your saddness overwhelms you. and the situation seems no longer laughable.
today I feel worthless.
unwanted.
unloved
unworthy- of anything good in this world
I wanted to change the world, but now they look at me like a whore.
I want my future back. I want my life back
March 4. March 5. 2007
3-4 I just wanted to make everyone proud. Right now I dont think I can.
I dont think I ever will.
I dont remember what I was going to write. My life is pretty boring.
My tummy hurts. I want to poop. Babies kick. <---- how profound is this statement.
I dont like going to church. It makes me feel dirty and even more guilty. Andy has it easy. I wish I was more forgiving for him. More for me. Forgiving myself.
3-5
I got kicked while I was down. Literally. Baby kicks ALOT!
And tetris is a fun game. I should sleep. But I think I will squeeze in one last game.-12:08 am
I dont think I ever will.
I dont remember what I was going to write. My life is pretty boring.
My tummy hurts. I want to poop. Babies kick. <---- how profound is this statement.
I dont like going to church. It makes me feel dirty and even more guilty. Andy has it easy. I wish I was more forgiving for him. More for me. Forgiving myself.
3-5
I got kicked while I was down. Literally. Baby kicks ALOT!
And tetris is a fun game. I should sleep. But I think I will squeeze in one last game.-12:08 am
Feb 28 2007
This isnt the life I was supposed to be living. but I am tired of everyone having pity on me.
I am at such a void in my life. no joy. no anger. just existing. although... today is saddness. I feel overwhelming saddness.
Andy gets to be in his relationship and be so happy.
and I am still left alone. and lonely.
I am 19 years old. This is my 20th year of life. I should still be in college, surrounded with my closest friends. Just living. loving. and
DANCING!
Instead. I am living in Eustis. In Erick's apartment. No job. No real friends. No one to love. I'm poor.
I feel homeless. I've got the roof----> but this doesnt feel like HOME.
God save me.
Help me find home.
"In a world of make believe its nice to know that somethings are real"
Yeah my life is real..... too bad it sucks.
I am at such a void in my life. no joy. no anger. just existing. although... today is saddness. I feel overwhelming saddness.
Andy gets to be in his relationship and be so happy.
and I am still left alone. and lonely.
I am 19 years old. This is my 20th year of life. I should still be in college, surrounded with my closest friends. Just living. loving. and
DANCING!
Instead. I am living in Eustis. In Erick's apartment. No job. No real friends. No one to love. I'm poor.
I feel homeless. I've got the roof----> but this doesnt feel like HOME.
God save me.
Help me find home.
"In a world of make believe its nice to know that somethings are real"
Yeah my life is real..... too bad it sucks.
Feb 1, 2007
9:44om
Its been too long since I've writen last. Lets see... Bob shipped back to Arizona.
Um I finally went to the Doc. 14 weeks along. Felt fetal movement! Oh um I told off Andy. God a telemarketing job. um and thats life. Oh discovered who my real friends are and the meaning of family. Life's good. Yeah... life is good.
I was let down by a series of disappointments but I'll wipe the tears off my face and move on.
Its okay D- you can move on.
Its been too long since I've writen last. Lets see... Bob shipped back to Arizona.
Um I finally went to the Doc. 14 weeks along. Felt fetal movement! Oh um I told off Andy. God a telemarketing job. um and thats life. Oh discovered who my real friends are and the meaning of family. Life's good. Yeah... life is good.
I was let down by a series of disappointments but I'll wipe the tears off my face and move on.
Its okay D- you can move on.
Jan. 15, 2007 & Jan 17 2007
1-15-2007
11:40 pm
Tomorrow is Bob's birthday! 24!
I am already tired of OG drama. People trying to "hook me up" with so and so- cause I have a pretty face and they want a good screw. frick. I'm going to be.
1-17-2007
I quit. I dont like quiting but I am done at the OG- tomorrow I am calling it quits. Should I feel bad? I'm sure I will but I shouldnt have to. I am done done done.
______________________________________________________________________
OG = Olive Garden
11:40 pm
Tomorrow is Bob's birthday! 24!
I am already tired of OG drama. People trying to "hook me up" with so and so- cause I have a pretty face and they want a good screw. frick. I'm going to be.
1-17-2007
I quit. I dont like quiting but I am done at the OG- tomorrow I am calling it quits. Should I feel bad? I'm sure I will but I shouldnt have to. I am done done done.
"No more drama in my life" sung and said by homegirl Ms. Mary J. BligeI find myself missing a good friend/ accomplice. Mr. Black. Heath Black. Such a good friend I have in him. I have been blessed with good friends like Heath, April and Brittany.---> I need to tell Heath soon. Sooo very soon, before rumors get out.
______________________________________________________________________
OG = Olive Garden
Jan 13, Jan 14 2007
1-13-2007 4:25pm
Nap time is one of my favorite times of the day. I am sleepy. But tomorrow I will be trying out a new church.I am excited for my new church search it will be grand. yes yes. grand it will be.
1-14-2007
12:35am
I have never been one to be fearful of things. Lately though my mind isnt completely here. FOCUS
On my Maker, the only One with whom I fear in reverance. If that makes sense. I understand and so does He. But I should fear nothing but Him. Love noone above hime and seek none before Him.
My Lord.
My Savior.
My Jesus.
My world is about to get rocked... and He will not leave my side.
Nap time is one of my favorite times of the day. I am sleepy. But tomorrow I will be trying out a new church.I am excited for my new church search it will be grand. yes yes. grand it will be.
1-14-2007
12:35am
I have never been one to be fearful of things. Lately though my mind isnt completely here. FOCUS
On my Maker, the only One with whom I fear in reverance. If that makes sense. I understand and so does He. But I should fear nothing but Him. Love noone above hime and seek none before Him.
My Lord.
My Savior.
My Jesus.
My world is about to get rocked... and He will not leave my side.
Jan 12, 2007
What a man, what a man, what a mighty mighty good man.
I dont remember who wrote those lyrics. But they are about my brother, Erick. He's the best And I dont know what I'd do with out him. He is my protector, guide and one of my best friends.
I love my family. I have been blessed.
_____________________________________________________________________
12-4-2010 Note:
To Erick-
Thank you for being there for me when I needed you most. I really dont know what I would have done during this time without you. Thanks. You really are the best big brother ever!
Your little Sis.
Jan. 11, 2007 - Everyone Poops
8:something ish AM
Yeah I dont know the exact time. I'm doin 5... okay 3 different things at once...
11:51pm
I should definately be sleeping! Had a convo with Andy. gosh my distain for him grows. I dont want to give this baby up for adoption. NO. AND everyone at OWU pretty much knows now. This is making my headache worse. My head is calling for the pillow.
Yeah I dont know the exact time. I'm doin 5... okay 3 different things at once...
- Straightening my hair
- taking a poo
- and writting this
11:51pm
I should definately be sleeping! Had a convo with Andy. gosh my distain for him grows. I dont want to give this baby up for adoption. NO. AND everyone at OWU pretty much knows now. This is making my headache worse. My head is calling for the pillow.
Jan 10 2007
10:42 am
10:22pm same day 12 hours later hmm
I've drank my warm glass of milk and now I'm in bed waiting for tomorrow well maybe. not exactly waiting.... "looking forward to..."
starting the day anew. my one play---> go to work. But what happens on the way or there before or after ----> its... A SURPRISE!
Its a way God blesses us. With those little.. sometimes big surprises
Now I lay my head down to rest and sleep so that I may wake up to tomorrow's surprises
I wanna love you the best that I can -Hootie and the BlowfishHootie said it. I am going to love this baby the best that I can. Oh time to get ready for bed!
10:22pm same day 12 hours later hmm
I've drank my warm glass of milk and now I'm in bed waiting for tomorrow well maybe. not exactly waiting.... "looking forward to..."
starting the day anew. my one play---> go to work. But what happens on the way or there before or after ----> its... A SURPRISE!
Its a way God blesses us. With those little.. sometimes big surprises
Now I lay my head down to rest and sleep so that I may wake up to tomorrow's surprises
Jan 9 2007- First entry of the New Year.
Too many long days have passed since I've written.
My triumphs, defeats and healing bruises.
But here's to my step up in confidence =)
Last night College Football Championships
UF vs. OSU ----> Gators vs Buckeyes
ABSOLUTE SLAUGHTER!
41-14 GATORS!
Ohio actin like they're all s---. F--- you Ohio!
GO GATORS! Yeah the pickin's are better in Florida. They grow 'em good down south! D--- Yankies.
A Parallel of whats to be? Forshadowing? Nah... But a fricken good story.
11:34 pm
Time for sleep. The hour is late.
________________________________________________________________________
Note: I ended up moving to Florida to be with my family. 1 week before I was to leave for Pittsburgh I had a huge change of heart. Rachel even came with me. =)
My triumphs, defeats and healing bruises.
But here's to my step up in confidence =)
Last night College Football Championships
UF vs. OSU ----> Gators vs Buckeyes
ABSOLUTE SLAUGHTER!
41-14 GATORS!
Ohio actin like they're all s---. F--- you Ohio!
GO GATORS! Yeah the pickin's are better in Florida. They grow 'em good down south! D--- Yankies.
A Parallel of whats to be? Forshadowing? Nah... But a fricken good story.
11:34 pm
In the end, it is important to remember, that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are. -Matt DupreeDont know who Matt Dupree is but thats a good qoute. I always remembered it. Got it from Mrs. Anderson, my government teacher in the 11th grade. I'm starting my new life----> I will make it good
Time for sleep. The hour is late.
________________________________________________________________________
Note: I ended up moving to Florida to be with my family. 1 week before I was to leave for Pittsburgh I had a huge change of heart. Rachel even came with me. =)
Dec 13, Dec 17, Dec 18, 2006
12-13-2006 12:22am
Its Wednesday. and its late. I really should be sleeping. I am supposed to get up in 7 hours for Montessori. Oh well its my last few times. But I did have an hour long convo with Andy and it was good. He is my best friend. really. God has showed me His love
He's been showing me everyday but at the most random moment. I saw it or heard it rather, and felt that overwhelming sence of peace and joy I used to have. I am free again and it feels so good.
Peace. Joy. Love. The fruits that have overtaken me. Praise Jesus.
12-17-2006 12:42 am Here's to the utter choas in which I call life. I really dont know. Everyone is stressing for me. Its funny because I havent stressed at all (denial)
I'm slowly starting to show. =S CRAZY
My abs hurt so bad right now. I should sleep. Oh Vicks Vapor Rub- be my new love.
3:11 Bob and I skipped church- BAD
But we're FINALLY getting ready for laundry! And I found names
1. Isaac James 2. Benson David...... Zoe Rayna.
12-18-2006 1:05 am
Let me wash these pillow cases its a new season. Joy and Laughter.
My tear stained pillow cases. Their season is over. So for now I will smile.
Ready me for bed I said and now I shall close my eyes.
Its Wednesday. and its late. I really should be sleeping. I am supposed to get up in 7 hours for Montessori. Oh well its my last few times. But I did have an hour long convo with Andy and it was good. He is my best friend. really. God has showed me His love
He's been showing me everyday but at the most random moment. I saw it or heard it rather, and felt that overwhelming sence of peace and joy I used to have. I am free again and it feels so good.
Peace. Joy. Love. The fruits that have overtaken me. Praise Jesus.
12-17-2006 12:42 am Here's to the utter choas in which I call life. I really dont know. Everyone is stressing for me. Its funny because I havent stressed at all (denial)
I'm slowly starting to show. =S CRAZY
My abs hurt so bad right now. I should sleep. Oh Vicks Vapor Rub- be my new love.
3:11 Bob and I skipped church- BAD
But we're FINALLY getting ready for laundry! And I found names
1. Isaac James 2. Benson David...... Zoe Rayna.
12-18-2006 1:05 am
Let me wash these pillow cases its a new season. Joy and Laughter.
My tear stained pillow cases. Their season is over. So for now I will smile.
Ready me for bed I said and now I shall close my eyes.
Dec 12, 2006
2:37am
My tummy is rumbling. Blah. Andy and I talked today. He owned up to alot of things. like using me and other girls and that I can say that if anyone asks he supports me with his whole heart.
Who am I to say- Hope
Love of my life my soul mate
You're my best friend.
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
Dont know anything at all
Who am I to say you loved me
Dont know anything at all
Who am I to say you need me
Color me blue I'm lost in you
Dont know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Dont know why I'm still searching
Now You're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feel so free
Now I know whats meant to be
And thats okay with me.
My tummy is rumbling. Blah. Andy and I talked today. He owned up to alot of things. like using me and other girls and that I can say that if anyone asks he supports me with his whole heart.
Who am I to say- Hope
Love of my life my soul mate
You're my best friend.
Part of me like breathing
Now half of me is left
Dont know anything at all
Who am I to say you loved me
Dont know anything at all
Who am I to say you need me
Color me blue I'm lost in you
Dont know why I'm still waiting
Many moons have come and gone
Dont know why I'm still searching
Now You're a song I love to sing
Never thought it feel so free
Now I know whats meant to be
And thats okay with me.
Dec 7 2006
3:17pm eastern time
She dreams of fish.
I already miss my mommy. She drempt of fish. She knew someone was pregnant. Last time she drempt of fish Sunnie was pregnant.
These past two weeks of two of the hardest. I told my family that my life was getting put on hold. I'm moving from my current residence in Oklahoma to Pittsburgh. Where I have no home or job. I'm leaving the comfortable.
Andy was going to call Mom and Dad today. He is either very brave or very stupid----> maybe both.
I must be boarding a very lard plane. The people coming off dont stop coming.
its 3:27 now.
30 minutes til my flight takes off. There's 3 little girls with their daddy. cute. the youngest is hugging his legs. Such love. and comfort in him. Andy is going to be a good dad.
:" My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" hahaha.
Oh memories.
OH STELLETO HEALS- How ungodly painful you look.
haha if I was a hook I'd wear them. So if I got harrasses I'd just stab the guy with my heal. Brilliant! Gosh I'm amused.
7:13 Memphis Airport.
God, I miss her so much. I miss my Mom. I really need her. I am so stupid. I just need a hug from my mommy.
Time to board the plane.
She dreams of fish.
I already miss my mommy. She drempt of fish. She knew someone was pregnant. Last time she drempt of fish Sunnie was pregnant.
These past two weeks of two of the hardest. I told my family that my life was getting put on hold. I'm moving from my current residence in Oklahoma to Pittsburgh. Where I have no home or job. I'm leaving the comfortable.
Andy was going to call Mom and Dad today. He is either very brave or very stupid----> maybe both.
I must be boarding a very lard plane. The people coming off dont stop coming.
its 3:27 now.
30 minutes til my flight takes off. There's 3 little girls with their daddy. cute. the youngest is hugging his legs. Such love. and comfort in him. Andy is going to be a good dad.
:" My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" hahaha.
Oh memories.
OH STELLETO HEALS- How ungodly painful you look.
haha if I was a hook I'd wear them. So if I got harrasses I'd just stab the guy with my heal. Brilliant! Gosh I'm amused.
7:13 Memphis Airport.
God, I miss her so much. I miss my Mom. I really need her. I am so stupid. I just need a hug from my mommy.
Time to board the plane.
Dec. 4, 2006
10:51pm
Dreams. My dreams once had cool meaning. Now they just scare the crap out of me.
Like losing the baby or finding that I have some STD- I'll kill _____. I shouldnt blame her. I just miss him with all my heart. He is my first evreything.
I told Dad today or last night. It was hard. I'd like to say he took it well. But I really dont know. He didnt cry until now. 24 hours later. I can kinda stop stressing until the move.
I hope my eating problem goes away. I want and NEED food.
Andy calls. I must Answer....
He is amazing its true. Goodness, I would like to go to Willston with him for Christmas- he isnt sure now. For whatever reason. Part of me thinks that him seeing me will bring back emotions that he may not be able to handle.
Poor Dad. I know he is hurting. So much. He bought me a camera- just because. Christmas maybe? He bought me an Ipod too.
Dreams. My dreams once had cool meaning. Now they just scare the crap out of me.
Like losing the baby or finding that I have some STD- I'll kill _____. I shouldnt blame her. I just miss him with all my heart. He is my first evreything.
I told Dad today or last night. It was hard. I'd like to say he took it well. But I really dont know. He didnt cry until now. 24 hours later. I can kinda stop stressing until the move.
I hope my eating problem goes away. I want and NEED food.
Andy calls. I must Answer....
He is amazing its true. Goodness, I would like to go to Willston with him for Christmas- he isnt sure now. For whatever reason. Part of me thinks that him seeing me will bring back emotions that he may not be able to handle.
Poor Dad. I know he is hurting. So much. He bought me a camera- just because. Christmas maybe? He bought me an Ipod too.
Nov. 30 2006
Being "home" changes things---> I'm ready to go back to good ol' Okalahoma. I'm pregnant, hands down, but I am still going to go to a doc. Once that happens Andy will tell his family. He wants me to spend Christmas with him.
Thank God for Leslie- she has been such a help through this. Helping me keep my sanity. And talking to my mom.
But Andy, oh Andy. He really is a good man. He said that he wont let me go through this alone. And he will NEVER be a dead beat dad. No matter if we make it or not.
I hope we try. I hope he's willing to try. I pray we make it.
Faith. Love. Hope will hold us together.
Thank God for Leslie- she has been such a help through this. Helping me keep my sanity. And talking to my mom.
But Andy, oh Andy. He really is a good man. He said that he wont let me go through this alone. And he will NEVER be a dead beat dad. No matter if we make it or not.
I hope we try. I hope he's willing to try. I pray we make it.
Faith. Love. Hope will hold us together.
Nov. 27, 2006
5:53am
A-20. Gate A-20. I am waiting to board the flight that will essentially change my life. Not the flight itself. but my destination and my purpose for being there. 5 weeks and unwed.
At church (coincidentally) Mark said children are a blessing.
Right now, I'm really not seeing it. Neither is Andy. His lack of faith is so hurtful. Its not that he lacks faith in me- or he doesn't say it. But his faith in God falters. Heartbreaking. Either way, about 35 weeks to go and I'm not ready. April continuously tells me
I dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore. But many tears will be shed this week. Mainly today.
But Now I am so self conscious, there are about 20 pairs of eyes watching me. I can be self conscious or shall I show them confidence?
A-20. Gate A-20. I am waiting to board the flight that will essentially change my life. Not the flight itself. but my destination and my purpose for being there. 5 weeks and unwed.
At church (coincidentally) Mark said children are a blessing.
Right now, I'm really not seeing it. Neither is Andy. His lack of faith is so hurtful. Its not that he lacks faith in me- or he doesn't say it. But his faith in God falters. Heartbreaking. Either way, about 35 weeks to go and I'm not ready. April continuously tells me
For the Lord has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a stong mindI cannot stop living life because I am having a baby.
I dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore. But many tears will be shed this week. Mainly today.
But Now I am so self conscious, there are about 20 pairs of eyes watching me. I can be self conscious or shall I show them confidence?
Friday, December 3, 2010
Nov. 25, 2006. The Day My World Stopped.
9:39am
WHAT HAVE I DONE? I am not ready Lord. Please, let this be untrue, for Andy's sake. for mine. for my families. Please what have we done? I cant be pregnant. I cant. Please. Take it away. I wont Lord. But please?
Your will Father. Only your will.
11:55pm
Broken. Thats all I am. I am a mess. A headcase. Why are they letting me roam the streets? I am crazed.
God.
Abba.
My Heart is broken.
1:33am Thank you Lord I needed that conversation. Not quite what I wanted to hear. but I needed it. Avoided- its how I feel. um Thanks because I need you.
NO I dont . I need God.
1:59 am
7 Hours of sleep may not be enough at all. My tired mind is so weary. I sleep on my tummy. This is a problem. I should learn to count the stars to teach me to lay on my back.
I will be a good mommy. Will I? I want to be- just not yet. I didnt want this. Not yet.
WHAT HAVE I DONE? I am not ready Lord. Please, let this be untrue, for Andy's sake. for mine. for my families. Please what have we done? I cant be pregnant. I cant. Please. Take it away. I wont Lord. But please?
Your will Father. Only your will.
11:55pm
Broken. Thats all I am. I am a mess. A headcase. Why are they letting me roam the streets? I am crazed.
God.
Abba.
My Heart is broken.
1:33am Thank you Lord I needed that conversation. Not quite what I wanted to hear. but I needed it. Avoided- its how I feel. um Thanks because I need you.
NO I dont . I need God.
1:59 am
7 Hours of sleep may not be enough at all. My tired mind is so weary. I sleep on my tummy. This is a problem. I should learn to count the stars to teach me to lay on my back.
I will be a good mommy. Will I? I want to be- just not yet. I didnt want this. Not yet.
Nov. 19 2006- Nov 20, 2006- Nov 21, 2006
11-19-2006 1:15 am
I am in love with an amazing man. wow. and I will be working with him so so soon soon soon. I am so blessed. 5 weeks. actually 1 week til I go home. 2 weeks in Florida. 2 weeks til Christmas and only a few days. I can only pray that time runs at a reasonable pace.
Lord you have given me a purpose and in the place it isnt getting fulfilled. Lord let me be your messanger. with a given purpose only for you.
11-20-2006 12:34am
Its been a crazy day. I finally told Kristy I'm moving----> the Lord has prepared both her and Barry for my leaving. This is happening. The time is coming. and I'm moving forward.
11-21-2006 12:43am
an hour long conversation with my buddy. my love. he inspires me. and gives me strength.
( Jude is a small panther)
It was so good to hear Andy's voice. So good. Thank you Lord. It blesses me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Jude= my darling adorable black cat.
I am in love with an amazing man. wow. and I will be working with him so so soon soon soon. I am so blessed. 5 weeks. actually 1 week til I go home. 2 weeks in Florida. 2 weeks til Christmas and only a few days. I can only pray that time runs at a reasonable pace.
Lord you have given me a purpose and in the place it isnt getting fulfilled. Lord let me be your messanger. with a given purpose only for you.
11-20-2006 12:34am
Its been a crazy day. I finally told Kristy I'm moving----> the Lord has prepared both her and Barry for my leaving. This is happening. The time is coming. and I'm moving forward.
11-21-2006 12:43am
an hour long conversation with my buddy. my love. he inspires me. and gives me strength.
( Jude is a small panther)
It was so good to hear Andy's voice. So good. Thank you Lord. It blesses me.
___________________________________________________________________________
Jude= my darling adorable black cat.
Nov. 18, 2006
1:09am
Make me smile again and again.
let him be my best friend.
I love that Andy and I can resolve issues.
He is my past. My present.
And God is taking care of our future.
Lord let him be my future. My love.
-I'm not forgotten. God knows my name.
Lord, be the mix master of my dreams tonight.
Make me smile again and again.
let him be my best friend.
I love that Andy and I can resolve issues.
He is my past. My present.
And God is taking care of our future.
Lord let him be my future. My love.
-I'm not forgotten. God knows my name.
Lord, be the mix master of my dreams tonight.
Nov. 16 2006
So Andy and I kinda had it out. I was getting frustrated and he was just taking it. Thats what he does, he just takes it as it comes and I want to understand that.
I was very emotional. Rachel thinks its PMS. I can only pray that it is. I dont want to go home to tell my parents that I am pregnant or that I have to call Andy to tell him he's going to be a father. Not yet. I want to be his wife before I ever have to make those phone calls.
I used to be fully convinced that I was going to marry him. Breanne reminds me daily that although he wont say it, we are meant to be together and he really does love me. I can only hope she is right.
He thanks me... when I try to understand his " jacked up mind" I am only trying to makes sense of the man I love.
I was very emotional. Rachel thinks its PMS. I can only pray that it is. I dont want to go home to tell my parents that I am pregnant or that I have to call Andy to tell him he's going to be a father. Not yet. I want to be his wife before I ever have to make those phone calls.
I used to be fully convinced that I was going to marry him. Breanne reminds me daily that although he wont say it, we are meant to be together and he really does love me. I can only hope she is right.
He thanks me... when I try to understand his " jacked up mind" I am only trying to makes sense of the man I love.
Nov. 14 2006- Nov. 15 2006
1:05 am 11-14-2006
Finally got a hold of Andy. His phone is permanately turned shut off for now.
He is a missionary. Pittsburgh's missionary. I am going there. Maybe before the new year? A new year. A new city. New job. New life. I dont what to worry just yet. My mind is stuck on him. How lame. I am so selfish. I want to talk to him. But ya know- without his phone he can focus on other things than trying to talk to me.
12:40am 11-15-2006
He brings joy to my heart and I wish to delight in His will.
I need to trust Andy. with all my heart. I need to learn to trust. But most importantly, trust in the Lord.
Finally got a hold of Andy. His phone is permanately turned shut off for now.
He is a missionary. Pittsburgh's missionary. I am going there. Maybe before the new year? A new year. A new city. New job. New life. I dont what to worry just yet. My mind is stuck on him. How lame. I am so selfish. I want to talk to him. But ya know- without his phone he can focus on other things than trying to talk to me.
12:40am 11-15-2006
He brings joy to my heart and I wish to delight in His will.
I need to trust Andy. with all my heart. I need to learn to trust. But most importantly, trust in the Lord.
Nov 13, 2006
7:26 pm
Andy's phone is out of service. Lame. and sad. I kind of just want to talk to him. Kristy is playing Skillet. Its my new fav. band.
I need to tell Kristy about Pittsburgh. and soon. Bah.
I havent talked to Andy since Saturday night. well Sunday at like 2 something AM---->that was a good convo.
_____________________________________
note.
Kristy was my super awesome boss who has put up with me for the last 4 years.
For her patience and love, I am forever grateful for her and her family.
Andy's phone is out of service. Lame. and sad. I kind of just want to talk to him. Kristy is playing Skillet. Its my new fav. band.
I need to tell Kristy about Pittsburgh. and soon. Bah.
I havent talked to Andy since Saturday night. well Sunday at like 2 something AM---->that was a good convo.
_____________________________________
note.
Kristy was my super awesome boss who has put up with me for the last 4 years.
For her patience and love, I am forever grateful for her and her family.
Nov 12 2006
2:something am 11:12:06
I have to get up in 6 hours for church. But I had a good conversation with Andy. I'm noticing a change in him. But I am careful to watch in any change or is it all merely a mirage. I dont know. I do know he is still an a--hole for various reasons. and I still love him.
5:22 Ive been in bed for over 3 hours. I am so lazy. I napped and it was good. time for Walmart.
6 7:59 Its too late to appologize... its too late.
Ive got those lyrics in my head. I should never accept his apologies. He doesnt deserve it. But I accept him and love him. Wow. I could be- NOPE I AM- a stupid girl.
Altar- we watched a video called Most. the sacrifice a father made----> His son to save others----> people he didnt know.
Sacrifice! ---> I must sacrifice what I know. What I am comfortable in. Time to take a risk-- for the Lord. for His bride. His church. His People.
10:something pm
Lord its cold- make it stop- please? =(
10:32 pm I had to leave Altar. I lost my focus or I began to focus on something so much bigger than Altar. I'm moving. I receive confirmation daily. I need to tell my family. Time to call April.
I have to get up in 6 hours for church. But I had a good conversation with Andy. I'm noticing a change in him. But I am careful to watch in any change or is it all merely a mirage. I dont know. I do know he is still an a--hole for various reasons. and I still love him.
5:22 Ive been in bed for over 3 hours. I am so lazy. I napped and it was good. time for Walmart.
Ive got those lyrics in my head. I should never accept his apologies. He doesnt deserve it. But I accept him and love him. Wow. I could be- NOPE I AM- a stupid girl.
Altar- we watched a video called Most. the sacrifice a father made----> His son to save others----> people he didnt know.
Sacrifice! ---> I must sacrifice what I know. What I am comfortable in. Time to take a risk-- for the Lord. for His bride. His church. His People.
10:something pm
Lord its cold- make it stop- please? =(
10:32 pm I had to leave Altar. I lost my focus or I began to focus on something so much bigger than Altar. I'm moving. I receive confirmation daily. I need to tell my family. Time to call April.
Nov 11 2006
My bed is slowly becoming a place of comfort again.
I just realized its 11-11 ( Nov 11) Veterans Day. I need to call my daddy.
I'm missing you and those OKlahoma stars. Such a good one liner I cant get it out of my head.
My house is getting back to normal, although it will never fully recover. I miss those boys with all my H<3ART. HAHA how scene am I? Lame!
In Pittsburgh I will lead worship. Its coming. April. 5 months away.
I just realized its 11-11 ( Nov 11) Veterans Day. I need to call my daddy.
I'm missing you and those OKlahoma stars. Such a good one liner I cant get it out of my head.
My house is getting back to normal, although it will never fully recover. I miss those boys with all my H<3ART. HAHA how scene am I? Lame!
Lord, Father, Spirit
Prepare me for the pursecution ahead of me
Is my heart prepared?
guide me
I will stand strong for you
- Your Daughter Danielle
In Pittsburgh I will lead worship. Its coming. April. 5 months away.
Nov 10, 2006
1:36 am Its crazy how God works. Today Andy was sking about me and Bob moving to Pittsburgh . I told Bob- she's been praying about Pitt.
I think we're moving to "da Burgh"
Oh boy- its an interesting road ahead.
8:36pm
8:42 My girls are arguing over taking out the trash. I'm considering going home and cleaning. So i just heard a great song that I dont know the name. Suck.
8:46 I am going home.
I think we're moving to "da Burgh"
Oh boy- its an interesting road ahead.
8:36pm
"'I'm missing you and those Oklahoma stars"Some lyrically beautiful words. I may transform them into a song. but I'm sitting in the coffee shop. Brit and Jo are on the computers. A couple is canoodling in a chair. While a group of super cool people play some kind of game. But they are loud. But its cool String Quartet is playing an ode to Relient K. Be My Escape. A wonderful song
- a qoute from BK to Brit on myspace.
8:42 My girls are arguing over taking out the trash. I'm considering going home and cleaning. So i just heard a great song that I dont know the name. Suck.
8:46 I am going home.
Nov. 9, 2006
1:13am I just got off the phone with Andy. I hate how we've distanced ourselves. I mean its what I wanted but I miss him so much. So for now I'll drown my sorrows in a cup of lukewarm Carmel maciato and weather channel elevator music. apparently tomorrow we'll have a high of 73 and thunderstorms. all weekend. I need to stop myself from this upcoming depression.
1:21am Channel surfing. Zoolander is on TV again. but I've got Dallas Cheerleadercuts tryouts. I find it really interesting that I could do that. I think I might sleep on the couch tonight. Its more comfortable than my empty room. (Andy please come home)
1:25 Its time to actually lay down.
2:15am please play with my heart strings some more Andy. Its okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay. What a f_____ lie. He breaks my heart and I still love him. I know what I want! but when will you?
11:26 am I feel like a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons- except I'm watching the Food Channel and its Thursday. I need a shower.
303:pm Andy wants Bob and I to move. Now. I know I'm going- I think- I just have to wait til May maybe. But he's so serious in asking me. In wanting me to go to Williston for Christmas then NYC for New Years. AAhhh I dont know. He makes we----> want to AAAHHHH! Cry. laugh. love.
4:11( Nov. 9) I'm finally at the LaundrO Mat. I noticed people around here say laun-dro and not laundry. So far I've got three loads washin' so 3 Xs $1.75= too much to be doing laundry-but its all I got! but because I am brilliant I had to check how much I just spent. HA! $5.75 in quarters.
I've noticed there is no one on the washers side of the mat. Just me and the couch. Well... and I guess the owners/ operators. They've been trying to fix a washer. Its funny that this woman is doing most of the work while I assume the gentleman is with (her husband) stands around to watch her. Pretty much he is staring at her a-- in hopes of it getting dark and that I'll leave so they can have a party for two in the back laundry room. dirty. Well yeah., maybe if you saw them you'd understand that even the white trash of b-ville are allowed to have sex.
This couch is comfortable. Uncomfortably comfortable.
I want to move to Pittsburgh.
4:30pm... hhmmmm I just saw someone washing a comforter. I need to wash mine. stains on the purple suede are a painful reminder of the one I love. what we did. and what he did to break my heart. God, I still love him.
4:44pm (pray for your husband)
I finally got my clothes in the dryers. Minimized it to 2 loads 75 cents for 18 min. for dry time. I hope its enough because I am out of quarters and dont want to start using cash. My hands smell like fabric sheets.
the old man drying his clothes is creepy. his eyes are sunken in and he hasnt cracked a smile once. he's by himself so he is probably a widower or maybe in his prime he was a pimp- a popcorn playa... and now he's still alone and unhappy... BUT I am probably very wrong due to the fact that he's wearing green and yellow kangaroos and a blue/ gray plaid button-up What kind of pimp wears that? I mean his shirt is tucked in and everything. I dont think he has even smiled at the laundry lady.. so really what kind of pimp is that.
4:53pm 9 more minutes til my laundry is hopefully dry.
5:54pm finally done folding--- & going home!
6:36 Burger Kind is so good! and it fills my tummy! I <3 the king!
__________________________________________________________
Note- BOB... is my roommate. Her real name is Rachel. However I refer to her as Bob... alot.
1:21am Channel surfing. Zoolander is on TV again. but I've got Dallas Cheerleader
1:25 Its time to actually lay down.
2:15am please play with my heart strings some more Andy. Its okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay. What a f_____ lie. He breaks my heart and I still love him. I know what I want! but when will you?
11:26 am I feel like a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons- except I'm watching the Food Channel and its Thursday. I need a shower.
303:pm Andy wants Bob and I to move. Now. I know I'm going- I think- I just have to wait til May maybe. But he's so serious in asking me. In wanting me to go to Williston for Christmas then NYC for New Years. AAhhh I dont know. He makes we----> want to AAAHHHH! Cry. laugh. love.
4:11( Nov. 9) I'm finally at the LaundrO Mat. I noticed people around here say laun-dro and not laundry. So far I've got three loads washin' so 3 Xs $1.75= too much to be doing laundry-but its all I got! but because I am brilliant I had to check how much I just spent. HA! $5.75 in quarters.
I've noticed there is no one on the washers side of the mat. Just me and the couch. Well... and I guess the owners/ operators. They've been trying to fix a washer. Its funny that this woman is doing most of the work while I assume the gentleman is with (her husband) stands around to watch her. Pretty much he is staring at her a-- in hopes of it getting dark and that I'll leave so they can have a party for two in the back laundry room. dirty. Well yeah., maybe if you saw them you'd understand that even the white trash of b-ville are allowed to have sex.
This couch is comfortable. Uncomfortably comfortable.
I want to move to Pittsburgh.
4:30pm... hhmmmm I just saw someone washing a comforter. I need to wash mine. stains on the purple suede are a painful reminder of the one I love. what we did. and what he did to break my heart. God, I still love him.
4:44pm (pray for your husband)
I finally got my clothes in the dryers. Minimized it to 2 loads 75 cents for 18 min. for dry time. I hope its enough because I am out of quarters and dont want to start using cash. My hands smell like fabric sheets.
the old man drying his clothes is creepy. his eyes are sunken in and he hasnt cracked a smile once. he's by himself so he is probably a widower or maybe in his prime he was a pimp- a popcorn playa... and now he's still alone and unhappy... BUT I am probably very wrong due to the fact that he's wearing green and yellow kangaroos and a blue/ gray plaid button-up What kind of pimp wears that? I mean his shirt is tucked in and everything. I dont think he has even smiled at the laundry lady.. so really what kind of pimp is that.
4:53pm 9 more minutes til my laundry is hopefully dry.
5:54pm finally done folding--- & going home!
6:36 Burger Kind is so good! and it fills my tummy! I <3 the king!
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Note- BOB... is my roommate. Her real name is Rachel. However I refer to her as Bob... alot.
Nov. 8, 2006
I want this to be filled with inspiration, love, hate, anger, saddness, joy, & peace. with the emotions of my heart.
My Story
I'm going to share my journal. The intimate details of the last 4 years of my life. There have been only 2 people in the world that have ever read it. And as I'm writting this I'm trying to convince myself I'm not ready to share it yet. But I am. Deep down I know its time. plus my husband has given me his permission.
So here it goes...
So here it goes...
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